The Arcana x Reader Scenarios {Book One} {FINISHED}

Plus {Not a Scenario, a Story of My Autism}

THIS IS NOT THE ARCANA, BUT ABOUT MY AUTISM AND THIS SHITTY PLACE I HATED THAT KIND OF GAVE ME A TRAUMA!

I have a book named "My Childhood" which tells my childhood struggling with mental disorders.

Some of you were curious when I said "I was forced to sit in a room for an hour or three", so here is that story.

When I was 13 or 14, don't quite remember, I found out I have autism, dyslexia, dyscalculie and a learning disability. So every Thursday at lunch, I was driven by a teacher to this place called Plus. A place they help you with your autism and other issues. Fuck no, I thought it was a prison. I remember the layout of the place still.

A big front yard for cars to drive on and drop off their "sick" children. You walk to the left side of the building, where an entrance door is. You have to ring the bell and wait till someone from the building opens it for you. It can only be opened by the people inside, so that no one can run away or break in. Then you take the first door left, a medium sized cafeteria.

One round table, a long table to the side of the room for if they want to cook dinner with students and eat together, a sofa with a TV in the back of the room.

I sat at the round table, always the same chair. The chair was blue. Each chair had a different color. There was this nice teacher. He was nice, but I didn't like him. I knew he was being nice, I tried to be nice back because I knew he had a daughter who also has autism so he was here to really help, but I couldn't, I only managed to force a half smile and mumble a hello before sitting there silently for 15 minutes.

I never ate at school nor this place. People could see me eat, I didn't like that, it made my stomach turn and made me feel sick. I just sat there, watching the table or staring outside the window. There was usually a girl named Amber and another girl whose name I forgot but she wanted to be a fashion designer, she was always sketching outfits and ranting about it.

When the teacher said it's time, I got up and followed him out the cafeteria and through this yellow hall which had a few cracks and punch holes, clearly someone got too angry and punched it. I didn't even want to know what they did to calm them down. As nice as the people here seemed, they had this weird atmosphere surrounding them that made me want to run. But then again, that could have just been my thoughts about them. So I stayed; I stayed and I followed him to the second door in that hall.

I always took the second room to the right. Autistic people can't stand changes. There was a table against the right side of the wall, a window that covered more than half of the wall, as if mocking me that people can see me being here, mocking me that I could easily open it and run, but I didn't. I sat down, and I waited for a few minutes till the teacher returned with papers. These papers were usually about math because I have never gotten high scores in math.

I sat there for an hour, just sitting there, staring at the paper, not knowing any of the answers. I wanted to ask for help, I wanted it so hard but the thought of having to ask someone for help made me scared, it made me want to cry and scream I'm not dumb and I can do this. At some points I threw the papers away and kicked the wall, but then I picked the papers up and sat back down, staring at it. When someone entered and asked if I done the paper, I told them I wasn't in the mood and then I was allowed to return to the cafeteria.

Sometimes I had to sit in that room for three hours, just sit there for three hours, as if time was going as slow as a snail. Sometimes I took the window handle, turning it and pushing the window open. I was on the first floor, I just had to swing my leg over and I would touch the ground and be able to run. I knew how the city layout was, I knew the way home. But I didn't, it was as if something was tugging me backwards and forcing me to stay. My mind began thinking negative things, about how I should do it, how I will regret it, how they will torture me, how I should commit suicide how they will treat me forever like some sick person, to the point I would clench my hair and beg it to stop thinking. But when someone entered, I sat there, as if nothing was wrong, telling them I didn't know the answers so I didn't do the stupid papers.

If I only had to sit for an hour, I would go to the cafeteria afterwards and wait for other teenagers. When all were gathered, we went to this weird building somewhere in the city. I don't remember what it was, but it had two floors. I always went to the second floor the second I entered the building. Upstairs were four sofas. I always laid on the brown leather sofa in the back and laid there, trying to forget all the bad things that happened to me as a child and try to sleep. They would call me down after 15 minutes so I went. We did weird things like make something out of clay, eat peanuts. I don't like peanuts, I only ate it because everyone else was eating it.

Everything became worse after a month, the two girls left, the nice teacher left and I got a new girl teacher. She was new to this job, which made me feel a bit comfortable around her so I always sticked to her and ignored everyone else. I was always more mature, I always hung out with the mature people, I didn't like how childish everyone else was. But this time, there was something weird, she gave me attention, I liked that. I liked that a lot. Every other person in that building was only there for their cash, I understood that, you are working to feed yourself and your family after all, but it angered me greatly. They didn't care about my mental health, they thought of me as a sick freak who was below them. At least the previous teacher and this girl cared about the students mental health and didn't only come here for the money but also to help people.

They didn't send me to the second room in the hall like I always took, they put me in the back room on the left side. I remember that room as well. A table on the right, but no window. And one shelf with a rubber duck. I spend an hour staring at that duck that evening.

When I was at the building with two floors, there were new students. Three boys and two girls. One girl was overweight, dark skinned and would glare at me. She once called me "Hey you, silent weirdo", so I told her I have a name, and for the rest of the day she mocked me for saying that one single sentence. I don't remember the other girl. One small and energtic boy, one tall boy from Pakistan, I think. Some other dude from Pakistan. I knew the tall one from somewhere, I couldn't place it though. I tried to ignore him, but I found him interesting. I was dumb. I was forced to go with a dude from Pakistan to a city I didn't know before and almost got raped, yet still here I was, interested in one of his friends. I hated myself for it, but I couldn't help it. One time we were walking back to the Plus building when he threw his backpack at me, telling me to carry it. I was planning to do so, but instead I threw it back at him, telling him he's lucky I don't throw it in the fucking river.

My need to have attention became bigger. I did weird things in school for people to notice me, even if that meant slamming open a door to a classroom and having everyone stare. Afterwards I would collapse outside the school building and angrily kick the floor, not understanding why I'm doing these things. At the two floored building, I was watching the three boys playing basketball, when one of them threatened to throw the basketball at my face. I didn't care, it was attention, I just chuckled and told him to do his best. He threw it, luckily it missed my head and hit the wall behind me. I must have come to my senses because I ran back inside.

One time the tall one was staring at me, as if undressing me with his eyes. I should have been scared, I was forced to kiss his friend once and then I had to run out of his house and through some city I didn't know. But I didn't care, it was attention, I just gave him a roll of my eyes before ignoring him. Even if it meant getting raped or murdered, for me back then, at the end of the day, it was attention. Whether that attention got me raped and left to die in some unknown place, it was attention and I wanted it.

Luckily I got pulled out of this place and school after my parents caught me having a mental breakdown in my room because my teacher was forcing me to rewrite my book 20 times, claiming it will fix dyslexia. I think if I stayed longer, I would now not be alive to tell this story. I think I would have gone insane and either gotten raped or murdered someone.

This place did NOT help me, it gave me a trauma. I can't look at a school bus without fear, I can't sit in a room with only a table and a window, it brings too many flashbacks and regret that I didn't run away. I have to live the rest of my mind knowing this happened and I was so fucked up back then. I will never live a normal life, even if I try to blend in, I will always be fucked up inside of my mind. I angers me greatly when people make fun of autism, autism isn't a joke, it makes you do fucked up things, think fucked up things, make you act ways you don't even understand yourself why you do this, it makes life so much harder, it just ruins your whole life.