"Your Dying... But I love you..." - (Chapter 200 onwards)

Chapter 362 - "The Old You..."

Chapter 362 - "The Old You..."

Clara's PoV

'What are you going to do about Felix?' John whispered looking up from the book he had in his hand, which I know for the last 20 minutes he had been pretending to read.

I'm surprised he hadn't slipped a comic in the middle of the book at the least to look interested in it.

'I don't know'

'I wouldn't have minded being her Dad you know' John mumbled, looking away from me again.

'Really? Even after all the shit that we've been through for the last however long?'

'Yeah. She's a part of you - thus a part of me. I'd love that girl if she was the last person left. She should have been my child' John said with a tiny pang of jealousy to his voice.

'You really feel that way? I had no idea. All that time I thought you were on Lola's side - but really you just loved Autumn'

He slapped the book shut and moved to the sofa that I was sitting on finally closing the awkward distance between us. It had been like that since he got here.

I figured he was just testing the water.

'How could you think that I do t feel that way? I was there after she was conceived. I was there throughout the pregnancy - not as much as I would want - but was there, and I was there at the birth... Because you wanted me to be. I love you and I love her like she's my own child' he said with a sad smile.

I just couldn't believe what I was hearing, but it turns out that I need to hear these things upfront to really believe them.

'I've missed you' I said suddenly, jumping into his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck, nestling myself into his body perfectly just as I used to do.

'I've missed you too my tiny little control freak' he chuckled, wrapping his much larger hands around my body and holding me close cradled on his chest.

- - -

'I guess all I can really do is get in touch with the police and hope that they'll allow me to see him. If I can just convince him that I don't want him in my life - or if someone can convince him - then I might be able to get him to sign away any rights to her. When he does that then you can be her legal father'

'I don't want you going anywhere near him clara' John warned.

'What choice do I have John? I have to negotiate with him. I have to get him out of my life for good'

'And you will. I believe in the British justice system. He'll go some eventually' John assured, running his fingers gently up and down my ribs.

I was so comfortable and noted how much I had missed his simple touch.

I know that Richard was sweet but it's just not the same. John's my first love. My only proper love.

'Well I don't. I have no faith in it at all'

'It's my fault really. If I hadn't of met Lola - or at least listened to all your warnings - then we might have got over this and past it before Autumn was even born'

'Hey, I wouldn't have listed to you if it was vice versa. It is what it is and we just have to live with that' I sighed.

I watched as his left hand came from cradling me up towards my face and brushed my cheek, before I leant up and kissed him.

'Do you really want this John? Do you really want us?'

'As selfish as it sounds I'm glad that Richards gone for a while - if means we can get on for a while and not have your jealous ex hovering around'

'That didn't answer my question' I said stubbornly, moving away and jumping off his lap. 'This isn't some kind of joke because I'm not getting into this for you to Fuck me around again. No sleeping with other people. No drunk kisses - in fact you can just stop the alcohol all together. No stupid decisions. No one night stands. No hatred. I want the old you back and if that's something that you can't do - then I don't want this' I mumbled, picking my keys and phone up and headed out of the library.

'The old me?'

'I want high school John back. I want the guy back that would look after me. The boy that would hold my hair back when I got drunk. The responsible kid that wouldn't jump into a situation unless he knew he was absolutely sure. Not the guy you've become'

'You think I've become a bad person? Is that what your implying?' He asked sounding hurt, as I kicked my feet in the ground going to the bus stop, talking to him as he followed a few paces behind but keeping up just fine because of his ridiculously long legs.

'No. Not all bad. It's just you never used to drink, you wouldn't go near the stuff because t affected for health. You used to actually drink responsibly - and I know I've got no room to talk but I preferred it that way. You were the innocent Virgin that I met who wouldn't sleep or give yourself to anyone but I don't think I could count off how many people you've slept with without having two sets of hands'

'Don't throw that one up at me. You e fucked as many guys as I've had girls' he scoffed.

'Not while I was with you, I never slept with anyone whilst with you' I pointed out and as he thought about it he realised how right I was.

'I love you' he said, taking a step forward.

'I know we can't go back to the way it used to. You grow with age and experiences. But I just want that again. I want true love. I know it sounds cliche to say if... But dare I say things might possibly go back to normal?' I whispered, fiddling with my hands.

'I don't think there ever was a normal. We went through things together at 15 that some people don't go through until they've been married for 20 years - but all that shit Clara - operations, cancer, fits and dare I say it - the rape - is what's made us so much stronger' he smiled cupping my face.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me up into his arms, before kissing my forehead.

'The old me huh? Guess I can give it a go' he winked, before kissing me properly.