"Your Dying... But I love you..." - (Chapter 200 onwards)

Chapter 286 - "Julie and Raymond..."

Chapter 286 - "Julie and Raymond..."

Clara's PoV

'They're really nice. From what I've read about them and they're happy for us to change our mind at the last minute or even when she's born'

'How many times do we have to go through this?' I complained and rested my head back in my hands. 'I don't know honestly what I want' I said to him.

It was true. As much as I really am falling in love with this baby I really don't know if I can do it.

If I can really just hand her over and give her up.

She's apart of me now and is mine. Giving her up isn't what I want to do but at the same time it is.

Especially if she isn't his.

I'm freaking out because if she isn't his kid then he won't want anything to do with her surely? If he doesn't want to raise a kid that isn't his.

What if he just gets up and leaves me alone?

I'd never be able to cope and/or do this on my own. And what if Richard feels the same way? What if he ups and leaves too? 

What if all this time he's been a supportive boyfriend the realises at last minute that he just can't help it look at a rapists baby?

'But Clara--?'

'No buts' I snapped climbing out the car. I was in a foul mood. Had been for several days now. I can't help it that the hormones are really getting to me. 

'If you just wait'

'I'm fine' I snapped again.

I was getting to the point now that I was sick of this pregnancy. The sooner this baby is out of me, the better.

He sighed stomping behind me and knocked on the door.

'Hi. You must be Clara and John?' A woman said to me, as we stood on the doorstep.

I could already smell lemons and fragrant smells coming from the house, behind her.

She wasn't a young woman by any means.

She was definitely in her late 30's but I'd been told that this is something they had been doing together for years. Taking in babies who need a home for a while.

They have a son of their own already which is one reason why I knew this would be a good place for her to live.

'Yep. That's us' I said and she ushered us in.

'Do come on in. I'm Julie and that's Raymond' she said to us pointing. And I could see our social worker Rachel in the middle of the room.

I smiled at the woman and stepped in the door, conscious of the fact that everyone was staring at me.

'Take a seat. Can I get any drinks?' She asked.

'Could I have a cup of tea?' I asked nervously. I didn't want to intrude but I'm drinking tea like there's no tomorrow. 

'Yes. I'm on it' she said running into the kitchen, smiling at Raymond to sit down.

- - -

'So Clara how are you?' Julie asked as she handed me the mug. I was really regretting not bringing Richard now. I think I'd rather have him to talk too.

I was really happy to have a cup of tea in my hands. I'm such an old woman but this pregnancy is killing me.

'I'm good. I'm actually really good at the moment' I said, although that was far from the truth.

'Right lets get down to business' Rachel said.

'Would you like to come and see the nursery?' Raymond suddenly piped up. 'It's a neutral colour because we never know what the baby gender is going to be and we do this quite a lot'

I shook my head but John nodded which I wasn't shocked about so let him follow Raymond up the stairs.

I could see from the lounge that this would be a great place to live.

There was the odd toy here and there, as well as a few books and teddies. I wondered how old their son was and what it was that made them want to do things like this.

'Are you alright with all this Clara?' Julie asked. 'You look a bit worried?'

'Yes. Believe me I'm not ready to be a Mother. At least I don't think so. I really don't know how I feel about all this but to have a back up option is quite comforting'

'If you go through with this Clara, you'll have contact, you can see your baby whenever you want' she said.

'I know' I said not really wanting that but I had relentlessly given in because he so desperately wanted to have contact and had practically begged me for all of since he found out to let him have contact and change my choices to open adoption from closed.

'Here's the deal Clara. You have full access to the baby whenever you want and whenever you feel ready, whether that was in two months or in two years, you can have the baby back' she said and handed me the forms.

Raymond came back in the room with John and John was holding the hand of a little boy.

It's so annoying how paternal he is. Which made me frown.

'This is little Dan' John said as he climbed on the sofa and started playing with his toys.

'Dan is 3. And his Mum and Dad are still very much in contact. He sees them at the weekend and we look after him during the week' she smiled, as conversation was just beginning to start.

'Your not going to regret this' he said kissing my forehead.

'I already am' I complained and sipped on my tea, but looked at just how happy he was discussing the ins and out, and in a way, I'm glad that he's there because I don't know what I'm doing.

- - -

'Well how was it?' Richard asked taking my hand and pulling me into my room.

'Confusing' I pouted.

'Why?'

'Because it would be a great place for the baby to live but I kind of want to keep her myself - but then at the same time it wouldn't be fair that she's going to keep getting passed from pillar to post everyday, from person to person because I won't be aro--' I was cut off by the feel of his lips on mine.

'Calm Clara' he mumbled in my mouth, as I laid down in his arms and he felt her kicking. 'When she's born your feel different. I promise you'll have that connection and you won't want to give her up. It will just happen when it happens' he assured me.

'When did you get all smart on babies?'

'When I found out my best friend and girlfriend was going to have a baby' he chuckled, as I turned around to kiss him.

'You should have come with me. I just find it awkward talking to him at the moment' I sighed. Even with his new girlfriend I feel like it doesn't stop him.

'Me too. He's up to something with her and I don't know what. There's also something about her. She's not right - but I can't put my finger on what'

'I'd say your being paranoid but I feel the same way'

'You would feel that way Clara... He's your ex. I just don't like her.'