So I'm supposed to be making a character sheet for an important character in my DnD campaign, but what I do instead is watch a video, that made...think of something. Not a bad thing. It was more I realized something really. I don't really know if I should say it. Screw it. It was one of those "How to tell if a girl likes you or not" videos. I don't really know much about girls, nor do I have much, um, shall I say access to girls. That just sounds wrong. Reeeally wrong. Um...what better word is there? I know there is one out there. Um...I don't know. My mind has gone blank. I don't have much of an ability to talk to girls. That is better. Anyway, so it was one of those videos, and I have seen it, so I think it is a good one. Not saying that I know everything about a girl. I don't. I hardly know much about my friend Jannessa. I know I'm not high on her friend list, and I don't really expect to ever be there. Yes, I do wish that I was there, but I heavily doubt I'll ever be there. Anyway, so this video went into detail, details that I have seen many a time. More recently for more people around me are teenagers, they're exploring themselves and their love life. But really I have no idea about anyone, be it a friend or not. I'm tired of being alone here, at home, yet it is the only place I belong. Damnit, Kevin, would you please stop dissing yourself for once in your life? No, I can't. It's all I got right now. Sorry, I've picked up that nasty habit of talking to myself again. I'm tired of being alone all day with only myself to talk to. Anyway, back to what I was saying. When I watched that video I realized something.
Jannessa doesn't like me.
Even now I'm trying not to believe it, but I know this by heart. She doesn't like me. There is no other thing to say about it. Now, this is just me. I don't know her side of it, and I'm really afraid of asking her about it. I really am. The video said that boys and girls act differently to this such thing. Boys confront it head-on, while girls express it in their actions. Now, four of the five ways that the video talked about it didn't really matter to me. The only one that I saw that mattered, was the fourth way, how they text. Yes, the only way for Jannessa and I is to DM each other in the Wattpad direct messages, not actual phone texts. I don't have a phone, and will not have one for a long time. Jannessa does. At least that is what I believe. Most people have phones now. We're poor, yet we waste money on pizza, McDonald's, and other such things. If we didn't get pizza every week, and three days of mostly McDonald's in the same week, that is this family digging their own grave. That is a reason I want to keep my money away from them, well, when I start getting money. Anyway, the texting way was something like, "Does she text you a lot?" And I said no. A while ago I might have said yes, but I don't know. That was only because of a promise she made. I don't know if she talked to me every day for something other than the reason behind her promise, that being, she didn't want me to be hurt. At least that's what I remember. I don't even know anymore. If I were to tell you this before I would have watched that video then I would have been able to tell you.
The sudden realization of this, I knew it would possibly come. I'm not saying I never thought that this would happen. I thought of this for a long while. I expected it, really. the sudden realization has shocked me. i knew that this would possibly happen...i certainly never thought of this. i always knew that this would possibly happen, and yet, never wanted it to come. Jannessa once said, "You deserve someone better than me." and at that time, i said, in my mind, "No. Right now you're the only one I can see that I deserve." i'm crying...i hurt myself...i badly hurt myself... it's like a dagger has just ripped through me...through my heart...i always knew that i would possibly find this out...and i believe that Jannessa knew that i would possibly find this out too...i'm crying so much snot is coming out my nose...i've hurt myself today. it's not Jannessa's fault...it's never her fault...it was my action that caused her to be my friend...i was asked who i liked...and i said Jannessa...and they told Jannessa about this...about me...and because of that..she became my friend...if i never answered that question...i wouldn't have said what i said a year ago...i would never have let that concert break me...would not have cried as much as i did...but i would have beaten myself for not answering her... Jannessa says she hurts me...she doesn't...she never did...if it wasn't because of me...if i didn't say something...then she would not have read anything i wrote...she would not be my friend...i'm crying so much...i can't do this...i just can't...yet i will...i will force myself through this pain...through this heartache...she said that she believes i can make something good...and for a while that alone drove me on...that drove me to get better at writing. better at storytelling...and i did...all because of her...all because she believes i can...i don't know why she said that. i thought i did, but i don't know...i know what jannessa might feel after reading this. she'll think...that she hurt me again...she didn't...she didn't hurt me...i hurt me...i'm sorry...jannessa... if you think you hurt me again...you didn't...you'll never hurt me...i can hardly write...let alone think...i...i want...i need to talk...to someone...i can...it feels like a part of my heart...died...it's...not...your...fault...i... promise...you that...i just wanted to make an NPC...yet...here...i am...i'm sorry jannessa...but i have to face the truth as some point...right?
