(for the record this (...) means i'm either crying or thinking. you can tell that this (...) means i'm crying if there is a lot of them, last update. and by a lot of them, i mean there is at least one of these (...) in every line.)
life, for me, in the past five weeks...changed. it changed majorly. about six weeks ago i had two dreams, now i have none...not a single dream...not a single thing to try and do in the future. writing was one of those dreams...but the update two updates ago caused that to crash and burn...and now it's gone...i used to love writing...now i'm forcing myself to write this update...and...i think this update might be the final update...i think...i'm not sure. my second dream? i'll talk about that later. if i talk about it now...this update wil end much faster.
i can hardly read now too. reading, to me, is a part of writing. the only thing that has kept me going for the past few weeks is Imagine Dragons (i can sing along to all of their songs, i remember each line to all of them. but i can olny sing a few without the music) well, really just Believer, Demons, Bleeding Out, Monster, Selene, Amsterdam, It's Time, I'll Make It Up To You, My Fault, Round And Round, Shots, Gold, Smoke And Mirrors, Release, I'm So Sorry, I Bet My Life, Polariod, Dream, Hear Me, Trouble, America, The Fall, Thief, and Nothing Left To Say. but mostly Nothing Left To Say, Shots, Selene, My Fualt, Hear Me, and Monster. most, if not all, of these songs make me cry. really just listen to Nothing Left To Say, Shots, Hear Me, I'm So Sorry, and Monster if you want to know how i feel. but you could just listen to that entire list of Imagine Dragons songs, i don't care. i know you wont.
speaking of how i feel. i feel like i should be dead. school sucks. most things i hear at school are rumors. rumors like, "Kevin, the school shooter." but worse. i am now the school shooter, a cultist, a demon sumoner, a murderer, a person who rips a face off of someone to wear it as a mask, a canibal, a vampire (some person threatened Frau Gross (german teacher) using my schoology account saying i'd kill her a drink her blood), and...and...well...get it done with... and a rapist
. . .
did that sink in? i am now a rapist. but hold on, the other side of all of these rumors, is why Jannessa isn't at school. according to them she is either dead, raped and now home schooled, dead and raped, or dead without a face and raped.
. . .
to my knowledge she hasn't been to school at all this quater. i've missed most of this quater. but as far as i know she might be gone, different school system or whatever...don't say that whatever the reason why she hasn't been at school for a while, i can't help but feel that the reason is...me. i unknowingly threatened her, destroying my first dream, and making me wish to die...again.
Humans are disgusting things, aren't they?
please be quiet.
It's true. Jannessa is digusting. it because of her that both of your dreams are gone.
shut up. she isn't disgusting. she felt scared and so she did what a lot of people would do, tell their parents/guardians. she didn't know they would do what they did.
You mean making that police report, then that sending you to that m-
we no talk about that here! not where a lot of people can see!
So your embarrased by that?
no. the minute one person i don't trust knows about that place, it will spread throughout the school and social media. making me a psycopath now, as much a rapist. which i am neither!
All other Kevin's say she is a digusting, backstabbing human. She shouldn't have told anyone anything.
i never said "Don't tell anyone what you read in this journal." that was never made anywhere in these 283 updates. not once.
Well you should have said that before.
and what? have a stupid life?
It's better than having a disgusting human taint your life.
your the taint in my life.
Low blow.
go away.
Fine.
that was Dark Kevin. a mixture of Other Kevin's and Evil Kevin's hatred for sertain humans. like Jannessa...Jannessa is not disgusting. if she was i wouldn't be where i'm at...
Say that all you like.
go away!
i better get this done and over with. before Dark Kevin comes back. so, let's just go straight into what i said my second dream was.
well, for a while, before five weeks ago, there was a long seriers of dreams, no nightmare, just dreams. i'd fall asleep around 9 or 10 pm and wake up at 5 or 6 am. and i frankly didn't want to say this ever, at least not until sometime next year, if the dreams never stopped. but they have now. i remember each dream. from start to finish. every single one of these dreams had one person in all of them. sure they had different themes. but each dream had one person all over it. they'd be there from the start, all the way to the end. most of these dreams had us in a field with many, many flowers. flowers ranging from all colors. there were also trees, but they were not close together. they were spread far apart so the tree's branches could reach as far as they could. the field was open. a beautiful grassy plain. with the addition of colorful flowers and beautiful trees. but if i were to travel in one direction i would find complete forests, mountains, and a beautiful ocean. and no matter how long i spent there, the bright and colorful sun would never fall. everything in that world spoke life. and wonders. i eventually began to call this world somthing. i called it Beorkvig. it's Ashferian, a language i was making for a book. it means Land of Light. i'm speaking of a real dream, but i never told you who this person was. that person...well...it was Jannessa (and before you say anything you Dark Kevin, she is not a disgusting human). now that was just talking as a litteral dream. everyday for the first quater i looked forward to algebra, we had that class together. and everyday i wished i could have just said hi to her at least once. but that never happened. the Imagine Dragons concert, i had asked her if she wanted to come with me to go to it, but i never said when it was, so it ended as a no, also Other Kevin had helped build my hope for a yes way above the line. and the broke me. now i see what i did as a mistake. and Other Kevin can only say one thing to build my hope up. but he doesn't say anything now. and everyday i could only ever think about her. i liked her. and i still trust her. sure, for what she said, things got out of hand. and i forgive her for that. i truly do. but...i don't know if she forgives me for saying what i said. if she does, cool, if she doesn't...i understand. i get why the people she told wouldn't forgive me. they don't know who i am. all they know is that i said what i said. and that she felt threatened by what i said. i get why she wouldn't forgive me. and an "I'm sorry" can only go so far. but, i am sorry. to think i've lost both of my dreams in the matter of weeks. what am i to do now?
