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i don't really understand why i make these updates anymore, i guess it's so you know i haven't killed myself...yet
you're going to forget i said that before this update is over
i hate the way my brain works. some things, like the concert, are forgotten so fast, while other things are remembered for years. anyway, so earlier i was playing Destiny. a game where you shoot aliens with guns, who would think about another one of those? anyway the other day i just gave up on jot getting Xbox Live Gold, so now all i can see is me getting !ad at Call of Duty Multiplayer, i can hardly play that game by myself without getting angry at it. i don't like First Person Shooters. i don't really like any shooters at all, First Person Shooters or Third Person Shooters (where are the Second Person Shooters?), but i still play them, rarely. i don't really play any games any more. anyway...so i was playing Destiny earlier and with Xbox Live Gold i can now play more things, like the Prison Of Elders. the Prison Of Elders is just a place where you have to fight waves of enemies. the Vex, Fallen, Hive, and Cabal. there are 5 rounds, "But there are only 4 types of enemies, Kevin!" i hear one person in the present or future yelling. yes, there are 4 types of enemies, but if you let me finish i was going to say that the 5th round is a boss battle from one of the 4 types of enemies. so you could fight the Hive twice, which i hate the Hive, or the Fallen twice, they're okay, or the Cabal, easy, or the Vex, robots just great. there is another type of enemy, the Taken. they are just every type of enemy in the game, but they are taken. they glow white and black. in the story Oryx, the Taken King, but he is Hive, takes all of these enemies to try and take the Traveler's Light. before Destiny even starts, your story in Destiny anyway, Oryx's son Crota is killed by a fireteam of 6 Guardians in a Raid. (Why Must Every Word Be Capitalized?) and i think Oryx wants to avenge his son by killing you or something, i don't really know. basically all i got of the story was, "Kill this thing. Kill it again. Don't stop shooting until your out of ammo. What do you do when out of ammo? Kill more things. Just switch weapons and kill kill kill.Don't stop killing because that is all we know what to do. Only solving our problems with guns. Shoot shoot, kill kill. Oh no, a boss. Shoot it dead!" not kidding, that is what i got from all four of the games stories. that's right. i said four. there is another Prison Of Elders that is only Taken enemies. but i don't touch that. my Light Level isn't high enough. i don't have good weapons or armor. that's what Light Level means. i'm getting too off track.
so earlier i was playing Destiny and i was doing the Prison Of Elders alone. and it acted like Tetris, forever know as "Kevin's thinking game" in my head. so while i was shooting the Vex i just thought. i thought about what i meant to Jannessa really then that went to me never having friends because Jannessa isn't a friend because she would never want me to be near her at all in life because i'm not her friend and i'll never be her friend and breath! basically i just went into a thought process with Jannessa in the middle. and while i was thinking and playing the Prison Of Elders i just was in a zone of focus and anger. i killed a thing then killed another thing and another. eventually i just started saying (as Jannessa) "He's too stupid to understand. Kevin is just a stupid little kid without friends. He's not my friend, if anyone learned he was my friend I would be in trouble with a few people. Kevin will never have friends. He's too stupid to have friends. He'll never have friends. He deserves to be picked on by everyone. He deserves to be bullied. Kevin should be bullied everyday of his stupid little life. He can't have friends, he isn't smart enough. Blah blah blah...." i don't want to say anything else that i started saying. it gets...well...very close to hurting myself when i'm already hurt. just while i was saying things like that i just pictured each Goblin, Hobgoblin, Harpy, those are the different classes of Vex enemies, with Jannessa's face on it. and everytime i shot a Goblin in their Critical Hit area and explode i got satisfaction from it. and now i regret doing so, because with each Goblin and Hobgoblin i got more angrier. and, well, poop on my and call me feces. i wouldn't be surprised of Jannessa hates me now that i said all that above. my thought process sucks. it starts out good, and at the end it goes to that. imagining Jannessa's face on every robot i shot and killed. i regret even thinking of that,and i wish i hadn't thought of that. and now i wish i had never said any of this, but i'm not erasing an entire update. if i did the only thing left in this update would be the beginning. sorry Jannessa that i pictured your face on the Vex i shot. i'm an idiot. i know you wouldn't say any of the things that i said. i know you wouldn't, well, at least i hope you wouldn't. i wouldn't, unless if it was about myself. then i'd kick myself along with others. never anyone else. i know you'd never want me there at all. i wouldn't want myself there for me either. i always bring myself down, and i'm sure you don't want me to bring you down when you are already down. but if you do need me i'll be here, doing nothing. i never do anything.
