i hate myself. i just hate myself. i can only sleep during the day, the time everyone is awake and doing things. i can't sleep while everyone else is sleeping. i thrive at night and the early morning when the birds are singing. i like it when the birds sing, it calms me down when i'm crying.
that was not why i hate myself. i hate myself because of everything i've said. there is no telling how many times i've said "I wanna die" in the past few months. in the past two weeks even. i cry most nights. i claim that everyone hates me and that i have no friends. i say that everyone that is my friend actually hate me the most. i say that Jannessa always hated me. i can only say "sorry" to her now. i claim that she keeps trying to forget me. i say that no one reads this, but i see that the number of reads this thing has gotten grew a little. i say that i was nothing but a mistake. that no one loves me, that no one has ever liked me, that no one ever wanted to be my friend. that i am only a waste of space. that no one will ever like or love me. i can't go a week without crying at least twice.
i hide myself from these updates because i'm scared. i'm scared of what i might say. and whatever i ay will push the only person reading this away. then i'll truly be alone. like i should have been. i'm scared that you'll find out something that will cause you to hate me. i'm scared to really truly be alone.
i can only talk about something other than myself. like what i'm watching, or what i'm creating, or doing. but nothing about me. i've noticed this for about a month. and i stayed silent about it. i don't know why, same as i don't really know why the only thing i can say to Jannessa is "i'm sorry".
i have this reacurring dream. i get transported to the world i made. Ashenfere, and all that is connected to it. i stay there, and like it there. because no one knows me, because no one knew me from this world. there i am free. there i can cast spells, creat weaponry that no one else has, explore the world i've spent so much time making, meet all sorts of people, fight all kinds of people and beasts, and be the hero that i write about. but after a few years someone else gets transported to Ashenfere, and that i'm the only person that can send her back to this world. all the while i'm forced to face my old self, the me from this world.
i know why i have this dream. not because it sounds like a neat book, but because i want it to happen. i want to be wisked away from this world, to somewhere else. where no one knows me, where i can change and forget about what i did. and i know who gets thrown into the world a few years after me. it's always Jannessa. i know why it's always her. so i can apologize to her. so i can make right what i did wrong. so i can stop feeling lonely. so i can fill the viod with someone i know. so i can share the world i made with the person i like.
at the end of the dream i get her back home, but i stay in Ashenfere. no matter the amount of times she tells me to go back with her, i stay in Ashenfere. the reason being so i don't have to look at the old me again. so i can stay in a world where i am free. where i could do what i've always dreamed of doing. so i would never have to see anyone again. so i can forget forever. the dream doesn't stop, though i don't want it to stop. i don't want anything about it to change. i know one thing that i would give up by staying in Ashenfere. i'd give up the small amounts of friends i have. one of these days i want to change the ending. i want to go with her, go back to this world. but i know that would never happen. i'd rather stay in Ashenfere because no one really knows me. the only thing that they would know about me is what i did in Ashenfere. i want that dream to come true. sure there would be things i'd change about the dream, but i want to be sent to Ashenfere. i want to say goodbye to this world without dying.
i know that if that were to happen i would never forget about all i did here, all i said, and all i know. i also know that i would never stop wanting to die because of it, but if i were to die i would go down taking bandits with me, or whatever that killed me with me. nothing would stop me from exploring Ashenfere, no matter what people told me. i'd still go out and see the world that i made. see the cities i imagine. and part take of the beliefs of Ashenfere. nothing would stop me. i only wish i could go there.
i'm sorry. i truly am.
