december 16th 2017 10:16 pm
*sigh* i can't do this much longer. act like it will all be okay. it will never be okay. at school i put up a fake smile. a fake laugh. and at this point, a group of people i find almost impossible to call friends. i used to call at least two off them my friend, but throughout the past few weeks, i find it almost impossible to call them a friend. one of those two people are one of the three i trust, the other one is just her friend. the two people that i do trust at school, everyday it gets harder for me to talk to them. i don't know why exactly. but i do know it has nothing to do with liking them. at this point i can't tell if i like Jannessa anymore. i only feel guilt when i think of her, and its really bad i have to hold back tears. i'm not kidding. at this point everything single thing i say, and/or write, is completely serious. i wish things could go ack to how they once were. when Jannessa would talk to me every other night. i wish i never shattered her promise. why did i even say that? i know why. that damn other kevin. he has lost any kind of respect from me. his name will never be capitalized again. i can blame him for everything. i can, but i know its all my fault. i listened to him. i let it do this to me. i let it rule my life when it involved Jannessa. it ruined my life. now the suicide thoughts run through my head. drowning, stabbing, hanging. it's all possible. i wish someone would forgive me, maybe then i'd...forgive myself...but no one would. who would forgive a person like myself?
