yesterday was a bad day. the bulling increased dramatically and today i'm Punishing Myself. i'm Punishing Myself by scratching my right hand over and over why i am Punishing Myself? well Jannessa has a mark in my brain that will be there forever. i keep thinking about her, all day i have thought of her, since 12:00 am to this very minute. i can't get her out of my head. i love her, but i know if i make any kind of move it'll just make it all worse. i know if a were to ever ask her out it'll be a "No". i know if i were to do anything, it will just make it all worse. i'm sure she doesn't read this, i'm really sure she doesn't. i want her to read this, but she won't. something deep down tells me she will never have the time to read this, and she does not have any interest in reading this. so i'm Punishing Myself to stop thinking about her. i don't want to stop thinking about her, everything about Jannessa is great, she has caring friends, she has a caring family. she has everything i always dreamed of having, but know it will never happen. but she is my friend, and she cares...she has Special Connections with her friends, Special Connections with her family. she has Special Connections with them. connections i will never have. i will never have a caring family. i will never have caring friends, other than herself. she has it all. i'm Tearing Up On The Girl I Love. actual tears are falling out of my eyes because of Jannessa. i want to tell her i love her and i want to spend every day with her. but...i can only see the negatives of what will happen. nothing good. nothing great. only the bad. i can only see her breaking this friendship...breaking her promise...breaking it all...i wish i knew good could happen...but she is Everything Good. she is and will always be Everything Good to me. when i hear that song Jannessa comes to mind. i dream of her every moment. i dream of Everything Good that will never happen with her. i dream of me having the courage to ask her out. but i know it will be a "No". i only see nos. i want to be able to ask her out. i want the experience of it. i want to feel brave enough to ask. i want to feel what it feels like if she says yes. i want to feel happy. i want to feel loved. i want to mend my broken heart. i want to be with her for the rest of my life. every moment without talking to her or seeing her i break down inside. every moment without her i can hardly look up. i'm so in love with her i can't help but see me with her. i can't help but think of her. i will never stop thinking of her. i want to sum up some courage just to say hi to her. she's everything i could ever dream of. she's perfect, in everyway. she is beautiful. Jannessa is the most beautiful person i could ever dream of. she is the nicest person i could ever meet. i'll never talk to her in-person. i want to have a Special Connection with her.
but none of anything i said matters. Jannessa will never read this...
