well...im not dead if that was what you were wondering....though...i wish i was....
i was just reading another update. November 22nd...and...it almost made me cry...i...i cry to simple things now...but i hide it...im spending as much time as i can in bed...which is...well all day...sure i have to come out to use the bathroom...and get something to drink...but i only do that once a day....when i was reading that update...i was looking for something to tell me...to tell me "everything will be okay, kevin. there is no need to worry!"...but i found nothing...in that update i talked about how my two big dreams fell to pieces in the matter of weeks...maybe days now that i think about it...but my sense to write has returned...and...and so has my likeness for Jannessa...ive began to search for her in my dreams...i don't remember much of my dreams...but today i had two...both of these i know Jannessa was in...the first one she gave me a note after i played dodgeball...i danced to get out of the wall of the thrown balls...i dont dance...anyway the note she gave me said, "I lost my watch. A moment ago it was just on my wrist but its gone now."...while i was reading the note it turned to paper with purple cursiv letters to a small blue thing with two zippers on it with small nails on it spelling out the words....i didnt see her while she gave me the note...i was trying to fall asleep...but when i woke up i could still fell the note in my hand...i looked and it wasnt there...i then reached into my pocket...not there...i knew i had dreamed when i woke up...but i still wanted to find that note and maybe...just maybe find her watch that she lost...ill get to why in a little bit...the next dream she passsed by me while wearing a blue shirt with a light blue butterfly on the front...she passed by me and went through the door i was holding open...i tried to follow her...but i couldn't find her...we were going to the same place...a field...to shoot a video i think...but before i could catch up to her i woke up....
in the second dream i woke up hoping to find the note she gave me...the reason being so i could read it again and try to find her watch...that way i would have to see her when i gave it back to her...the second dream i tried to chase after her through a crowd of people...so i could be with her...the reason being...lately ive been finding myself on the couch sitting as close as i can to the front door...hoping that it would knock...and on the other side it would be Jannessa...the reasons for this are many...the chance to see her again, the chance to talk to her in person...and the chance to give her a hug...but that never happens...obviously...lately the only thing ive been wanting to do is see Jannessa...or talk to her...but of course im too scared to text her...scared that she might be in the middle of something...or scared that she doesnt want to talk...talking is about the only thing i want to do...problem is i only want to talk to her...i want to get everything that is inside me out...but i cant do it here...ive tried but i always delete it...i just want to talk to Jannessa...but in a face-to-face situation...i know that that will never happen...and if it was to happen it would be years from now...i dont really know why i want to talk to her in face-to-face...but i know that i cant type it out...if i could then this update would have ended already...i only know that i cant type it out...im sorry...if i could i would...i really am sorry....
