so people have told me to speak my mind in the past because i would never do that. and so that's a small part of where these journals came in, so i could speak my mind and have no one see them. that plan failed, obviously, and the last time i spoke my mind it burned both of my dreams to ash. these journals were supposed to help me, not destroy what was left in me. but who cares about me? no one! i'm alone, again, but this time i have nothing to look forward to. i used to look forward to writing a book, now all it is is a vast nothingness. an eternal void, never to be filled. (Don't have dreams, they will only bring you down when you realise they are only illusions to trick you that your life has a goal.) change what i did. my dreams would not be burned to ash. but Other Kevin would still hate her. apparently he always hated her, but to make me happy he put on the act like he actually wanted her to be there. he never wanted her there, he always wanted her to leave. he planted that seed while i played that game. he watched it grow and he somewhat knew this would happen. he said he knew she would get scarred and go away. but he didn't know that what she did would happen, or that my dreams would burn away. i'm not going to play a game with a gun in it, ever. well some games get a pass. Assassin's Creed get a pass. why? because those games are more funny to me. not the part where you, the player, assassinates someone. no, not that part at all. i only kill in that game when someone starts to kill me first, or if i have to for the task at hand. but anyway, that parts that are funny to me is when something unexpected happens. i've only played Assassin's Creed Rouge. and really all the funny comes from the sailing part in that game, where i could be a pirate, or just sail around on my ship. i, personally, like the fact that i can send enemy ships to their grave. no, i do not just sink ships whenever i want to, really i only do it if i have to, again the current mission calls for it, the boat starts to fire it's cannons at me, or i need something from that boat.
i can't sleep. i haven't been able to for a few weeks now. mainly as a way to punish myself because no one will punish me. i also walk to school in the cold morning without anything warm on, like a winter coat, or a hoodie. most of the walk i'm in my t-shirt and pants, while my hoodie and coat is on my backpack. and i even rarely eat, which is not new, but i would still eat. now there is a good couple days between each food, not just one or two days. i mean three to five days without eating. but before you say, "Bull****!" when dinner is served, i do take a bite of food, but when no one is looking i spit it into a plastic bag. a big plastic bag. i haven't swallowed any food for a while, well except that horrid sandwich from lunch. that was a bad sandwich. a very bad sandwich.
i hate my life. i'm not going to live past my twenties. i'll either die of starvation, dehydration, suicide, drowning, or sickness. i'm done with thinking i can write, i'm done being in love. i'm done with humans. only three are trustworthy. and none of those three will know where i go. i'll soon disappear from this place, not running away, but i will leave all three of them so they can forget me. and i'll just turn to an urban legend. where i go next, no one there will learn of me. they will only know my name, and nothing else. somewhat of a restart. something i wanted for a few months now. but what i did will still taint those that know it. i'm sorry for being in your lives to long. i'm sorry for trying to be something i'm not. human. i'm not human, but i act more like one than most. i'm sorry for being a burden. by the end of next week, ill leave.
