SNL 2020

Stumble and Fall

I had an episode.

(Of what? Episode of what?)

Oh right...I have to explain this. Uhm, when I said episode, I meant panic attack. I had an episode of panic attack. Just mild, nothing to worry about...

*sigh*

Qing is snickering as I wrote this entry and said the first part loud. It's because he was not happy that I had an episode. I think Qing will never be happy ever about any episode I will have. He is making it his enemy, my panic attacks.

You see, I managed to stress myself enough that I started hyperventilating but hey, welcome to my world. You all know by now that overthinking and worrying are my two favorite hobbies.

Anyways, the reason why I had an episode is also the reason why we are hiding this from our parents. Remember that time I had an episode because of missing grocery items. So lame. Well, this one has a more substantial reason why it happened. You see, my Mama had an accident. She slipped while folishing their living room floor and she just...whoosh...she was upright one moment and the next, her bums and hips are hurting. She had bruises because of that fall.

But what distressed me was the nasty wound on her temple that needed stitches to close up. My Mama's head hit the leg of a chair and she acquired that nasty cut.

Seeing her wounded and a bit pale did something on my psyche that prompted an episode before Qing and I went to bed. Like my Mama, I was upright one moment, the next I was on my knees with my throat closing up and I was clawing my shirt as I gasped for air.

Qing quickly moved to pull my shirt off me and he got a paper bag where I can inhale and exhale.

Qing: (with his hand on my back) Deeply, Love. Inhale, exhale...inhale...hold it...exhale.

I looked at Qing helplessly. My tears are already forming. I hate this feeling of wanting to cry every time I am having an episode. But Qing encouraged me to cry so after I took my anxiety medicine, I cried in his arms. Qing held me tight. Telling me that I did so well, getting my breathing normal again.

My mother having an accident and that triggering my episode is the reason why we are not sharing this one with our parents. I mean, I don't want my Mama feeling guilty that her accident triggered my panic attack. We also decided to keep this from Qing's parents because they talk to my parents. It's lovely and all that they like each other but once they formed a united front against me and Qing, they are a formidable enemy.

If we tell this latest episode to Qing's parents, the possibility of them telling my parents are not out of this realm.

The next day I had to take the day off because as usual, I slept like a log. It's becoming the norm that after an episode, my body feel so tired that it demands that I sleep for at least twelve hours and nap the other four. Qing called or messaged me to ask how am I feeling. If I am awake, I take his calls or I message him back quickly.

By afternoon I felt a lot better, more like human again. I sent messages to my friends to update myself on their lives. Xiao called me back via video chat.

Xiao: Are you okay? For some reason I kept thinking about you for two days now. That's why I called when you messaged me. Are you at home? I thought you will have a photoshoot today.

Me: Oh...yeah...but I postponed it because I feel a little tired from the shooting. I am fine now. I will probably have that photoshoot and promotional video tomorrow.

Xiao: Are you sure?

Me: (upbeat) Of course!

Xiao: Okay. Hey, I might go down there next month. How about I treat you to dinner and drinks?