SNL 2020

Future Stepdaddy

I'm all alone again in our love nest. My lover, roommate, bedmate and husband to be is out of town for a shooting.

Well, I lied. I'm not all alone. I have Kuai and Kuangnu with me.

(Aw! Kuai and Kuangnu, we miss them)

Yeah...well, I miss them too. They will be staying for a week in the condo as I have a light schedule this week. But I'm worried though, enough to call Qing via video chat before going to sleep.

Qing: Why are you worried?

Me: I think our dogs were swapped.

Qing: (surprised) Swapped? What?

Me: They have been following my orders. The whole day, they listened to what I was saying and behaving well. Qing, I think I have a bad news for you...Kuai and Kuangnu were swapped with different dogs.

Qing: (frowning) Aren't you overreacting, Love? Our babies can be obedient.

Me: With me? Without you being close by? Are you kidding me? Qing, listen...for some unknown miracle, the dogs are listening to me and following my orders. I will repeat that for effect: the dogs are following my words and orders. Aren't you worried?

Qing: Well...I am a bit worried now. They are being nice to you...why?

Me: Exactly! Why are they being nice to me? I have a few theories.

Qing: (extremely uneasy) Oh no...your theories.

Me: Listen to them! Okay, first...the dogs were swapped. Someone kidnapped our Kuai and Kuangnu and they were replaced by obedient dogs. Qing! Our dogs were kidnapped!

Qing: Calm down! That's...impossible, Dayu ah. Who will kidnap our dogs and why? If it's because of ransom...where is the ransom note or call? And why put a replacement?

Me: Hmmmm, okay, they were not kidnapped. Then lets go with my second theory: the real Kuai and Kuangnu died and your parents didn't have the heart to tell us our dogs died so they looked for dogs looking exactly like Kuai and Kuangnu. Either way, they were replaced by obedient dogs.

Qing: My parents are not like that. If something bad happened to Kuai and Kuangnu, my parents would have called me to tell me what happened.

Me: Right. Okay...then the dogs are terminally ill and they decided to turn a new leaf to get inside the dog heaven. Only good doggies will be admitted to dog heaven so Kuai and Kuangnu decided to be good doggies to me.

Qing: Hmmm...and will they also ask us to write them referral letters as proof that they are good doggies to us?

Me: (snapping my fingers) Exactly!

Qing: (highly offended tone) Our dogs are not terminally ill, Dayu ah!

Me: (wincing) Fine! They are perfectly healthy! Then lets go to my next theory. The "talk" I had with them a few months ago is finally taking effect.

Qing: Talk? What talk?

Me: I told them that we are engaged now. That we will be married someday.

Qing: And so?

Me: (grinning evilly) I told them that once we got married, I will be their stepdaddy and I won't be nice to bad doggies so they better behave for me.

Qing: You...scared the dogs...what?

Me: I didn't scare them. I just reminded them that I could make their lives heaven or hell depending on how they will behave. If they won't behave...I will push them to do kitchen works, serve me tea and sleep beside a cinder block near the fireplace.