SNL 2020

Devil's Advocate pt2

Me: Does he snore? Leave the soapdish watery? Drinks straight from the juice or milk carton? Slurp his soup noisily? Track wet footprints after leaving the bathroom? Won't put dirty clothes in the laundry hamper? Does he take too long to primp up? Nags at you to exercise? Too strong for no apparent reason? Hates salty or sweet snacks? Reduce you to two soda can per week? I mean come on! There must be something you hate about him!

ZhiMing: (knowingly stare at me) How many times a day do you fantasize about killing Wang Qing for tracking wet footprints after he showers?

Me: That is not the point.

ZhiMing: A million times?

Me: Give or take.

ZhiMing: (laughing) Oh my God, I would love to set up a camera in your condo to observe how you two survive living together. I bet the most fun part is not the sex.

Me: (sighing) We are not the point here. We are discussing you and your French beau. Now, focus please. There must be something you hate about him. Think!

ZhiMing: He likes nibbling my toes during sex. He does this thing where he was fucking me and then he will nibble on my toe and lick the spaces between them.

Me: He sounds dreamy. I like it when Qing does that to me.

ZhiMing: That's the point, I like it too when my French guy does it. I like it too much I climax quickly, I want to take my time cumming.

Me: (headache coming) Next. Give me the next one.

ZhiMing: (thinking) Oh, he always has candy at hand. Those sweet caramel ones and the minty with the chocolate center one.

Me: (rolling my eyes) I hope he shares them to others.

ZhiMing: He does. And that's another thing, he is friendly. He smiles at everyone. He is way too nice.

Me: Oh, that must be killing your cynical soul. To be seen with someone who knows how to smile and be nice to others.

ZhiMing: I don't care if he is nice but can't he be more oblivious? Some are flirting with him already yet he just continued to be nice to them.

Me: As oppose to what? Him shoving a hand on their faces so they will stop flirting with him?

ZhiMing: He should try that. Some people deserves to be shove by a hand on their face.

Me: You shouldn't be let out among polite people in this society. You are rabid.

ZhiMing: I am normal. The too nice ones, like you, are the reason why we normal ones are stressed.

Me: I won't argue with you about this. Being polite and nice are not a crime. Next.

ZhiMing: Miss Daisy likes him a lot. She purrs when he is cuddling her.

Me: Being jealous because of a cat is just way too low. And when was the last time you dated someone that Miss Daisy likes?

ZhiMing: Anyways, sometimes he loves to tickle me.

Me: You are deliberately changing the subject.

ZhiMing: Like he will come up behind me and then just tickle me so much. I hate it.

Me: It's like we are having two different conversations.

ZhiMing: (thoughtful) He is good at tickling my balls, though.

Me: I hate you.

ZhiMing: He lied to me and said he has a mild allergy to condoms.

Me: Okay. Interesting. Did he said that to force you to go without condom with him? Jerk! Doesn't he know that it's imperative that you use protection when having casual sex?