SNL 2020

Sad Disappointment

February is here. Finally!

The virus is still in the news and things are bit hectic in the work department but all in all...I am loving February. It's certainly a universe away from the start of my January, I mean...you all know that Qing and I were at war during the start of this year.

But after celebrating the Lunar New Year, things are looking up for me. Projects for 2020 are slowly lining up neatly so they won't confuse me with my schedules and Qing is busy making money as well. Life is lovely this February.

Qing is pleased...seeing me all relaxed and smiling.

Qing: (looking happy) That's all I ever want for you, Dayu ah. To see you happy while being by my side.

Me: Well, I am happy.

And getting good at lying.

(Oh no...what now?)

Well, you know Qing and I have a new secret.

(A secret? Just one?)

Fine...several secrets. We went through two proposals, the first one was a disaster. I developed panic attacks, Qing was slightly traumatized. Then we got engaged for real and now hiding all of those to our loved ones, aside from a few number of friends who knows the whole truth.

It's complicated and getting good at lying is one way for me to keep my sanity about the whole thing.

I mean, it's not hard when its just me and Qing...together in our condo with an engagement ring on my finger. It's lovely. It's wonderful. To be engaged to the man I love and us showering love at each other. Sharing this special feeling of being engaged. This feeling that sometimes, out of nowhere, will put a smile on my lips. That feeling of floating in the air with contentment.

(A feeling meant to savor and share with people you love?)

It's unfair, I know. I know I should be shouting this on a rooftop and letting everyone know about my engagement to Qing. Or at least tell our families...but I just can't. I can't. I want to, I do...but I just can't seem to convince myself that telling others about the engagement will help things along.

And Qing agrees with me. I console myself with the fact that Qing agrees with me about keeping it all low profile until I got my feelings all sorted out.

Qing: You have been doing well. Since we got engaged, you never experience an episode of panic attack. I think I want to keep you that way. Relaxed and happy. What's wrong with that?

Me: I don't know. I think there are moments when I just feel guilty for keeping this a secret to our families.

Qing: I don't feel guilty.

Me: Yeah, I noticed. Why is that? You can't be happy all the time about this...

Qing: Why not? I won. You are wearing my ring. That was my end goal and I got it. Why won't I be happy?

(Oh Baba...)

Yes. That's your Baba. I truly envy him of his one track mind. He won. He got a yes from me and I am wearing his ring, in his simple logic that makes him a winner. The world is going his way. Fuck everyone else, all he cares about is him and I being together.

That's...sort of romantic...if you will ask me.

(It is kinda romantic of Baba)

See? Do you see it too? There's a romantic tinge in the way Qing thinks. We are engaged, we did our thing, we are together...fuck everything else. It's his way of telling me that no one and nothing else matters to him but us. So yeah, I get it...it's romantic.