SNL 2020

Concepts

I don't feel any different though. Being Qing's fiancé. I wondered about it enough for me to talk to Qing about it while we were lounging on the couch.

Me: Is that normal?

Qing: What is normal?

Me: Me. Not feeling any particularly different now that we are engaged.

Qing stopped browsing through his phone to look at me. He was choosing what photo or video to post on his weibo account to be like and share by his fans when I take his attention off his phone with my question.

Qing: (frowning a bit) Actually, now that you mentioned it...I also don't feel particularly different. It's like...

Qing searched for a word to use and I decided to supply suggestions on him.

Me: Normal? Ordinary? The same?

Qing: It's not exactly the same. More like...

Me: It doesn't match the hype I think I will feel once I have your ring in my finger.

Qing: (smiling) What is it you were expecting to feel anyway?

Me: I don't know. I thought there will be a big boom and then things will change, like every wall in this condo will suddenly turn rainbow colored...or there will be breaking news in the media that you are now engaged. Something like that...

Qing: (chuckling) Those drastic kind of changes?

Me: Yes! I thought the change will be so impactful it will be like a slap on my face and my dignity. But no...it turns out...we will be just like us. Usual us...

Qing: (nodding) You are right. Maybe it's because the engagement doesn't necessarily change us fundamentally. I mean, I'm still me...you're still you. And we are still in love with each other.

I sagged against Qing.

Me: It's making me sad for you and angry at myself.

Qing: Why?

Me: Because I hurt you for nothing. I made a fuss about nothing.

Qing: (clearly not liking what I said) It's not nothing. Our engagement is not nothing.

Me: Oh you know I mean. I made a fuss, developed panic attacks and hurt you so badly...and for what? For this feeling of nothing really changed aside from the fact that I now wear an engagement ring?

I raised my left hand where my engagement ring sat cozily on my fourth finger. I really love it. Qing gave me a beautiful ring. But still, the price of it being in my finger was that Qing experienced something terrible when he proposed to me that first time.

Me: I'm stupid. Kicked all that fuss around and for what?

Qing: (snorting) Well, you won't find any argument here. You are stupid.

And he is right to agree with me.

Me: (sighing) You think it will all change once we tell our families about it.

Qing: I think so. It will feel bigger for sure. Maybe we don't feel the impact now because we are keeping it a secret from the majority of the people who knows us. But once it got exposed...

I shivered at that silent implication.

Me: You are right. It will be bigger. And I don't think I am ready for it all to be THAT big.

Qing: Then let our engagement lay with just us for a second, Love. No need to feel angry about yourself for that first time. And by the way, I thought we will not talk about it anymore. Lets not harp on it anymore.