SNL 2020

Fuck This Shit

It's 2020 everyone! 20 fucking 20!

And where did we left off again?

(Baba proposed yet you said no...)

Right.

Right that's where 2019 ended.

Fuck.

Anyway, a simple trivia to all of you but did you know that there are seven months in the calendar with 31 days in it. Or was it six? You know what...let's count them just to be sure.

There's January, March, May, July, August, October and December.

Yup, seven months...all with 31 days in it. But in all those months, January feels like the longest. It's seems like forever. Like neverending...

And I am not saying this because I am starting my 2020 journal on the second week of January, no...it's not like that. I mean, you all must understand, 2019 ended with a bang (not literally) and my mind felt like it was scattered all over and it took me time to collect every pieces of my thoughts because well, some of them had the audacity to hide from me.

What I am trying to say is...Qing didn't went home to the condo with me. From Heilongjiang, we travelled back to Beijing in separate flights (him first before me) and when I got back to our condo, Qing was not there. There's even no sign that he touch landed on our home. Which means, from Heilongjiang, Qing went someplace else.

It turned out, that someplace was just two blocks from our condo...in Jin's place.

Yes, you read it all right...Qing crashed on Jin's place. I mean it was all drama and to be honest, we are still in the process of making sense of what's happening.

I mean first, there were days when Qing won't even answer my messages. When I got home and found out that Qing was not there, I started firing messages on him. I didn't call though because...because...

I don't know. I don't know why I won't call Qing and you will all be right if you will all think I am weird. I mean, surely calling Qing and telling him the things I want to say instead of writing novela length messages was a much easier and time efficient method but...

Sometimes, talking is hard and typing things is easier. Maybe because once you typed things on your phone and you read it before sending it away, you can erase things and change stuffs on it.

Or even erase everything and compose another message.

That's what I did. I composed so many messages for Qing that I ended up deleting before composing another that I also deleted. It's a ferris wheel ride of round and round that sometimes my messages to Qing will end up being composed of just three words.

I miss you.
I love you.
Please, come home.

And then there's this famous message:

I'm so sorry...

Anyways, those are lame messages by the way. I mean, I rejected the guy. He went down on one knee, on cold frozen ground to propose to me and I said no...so yeah...don't be surprise if one of Qing's reply to my messages was a resounding...

If all you will do is say sorry, stop texting me.

Ouch. That hurts. I mean what the hell, my apologies are sincere. I meant them! They all came from my heart. I got angry and so I sent those words to Qing. That my messages came from my heart. And his reply to that was...

Like your "I won't". That also came from your heart, right? Fuck off, Feng Jian Yu. Leave me alone for awhile. I need space.

So...............