Bad Desire: New Beginnings - Fast Forward

Chapter 22

"It was supposed to go to the adoptive parents but I couldn't bear to give it to them. That was the first scan where it actually looked like a baby and I fell in love."

Sophie hadn't openly spoken about this to anyone, mostly because Jess was the only friend that knew but also because she was uncertain about her own feelings. She knew she had to stick with the adoption, she had already organised everything and found the perfect parents however, deep down after seeing this scan she had changed her mind.

Anytime that she was alone she was in front of a mirror admiring the tiny bump she did have. Or she was running her hand over her bump and drowning herself in thoughts of meeting this baby when it was born.

However, that dream had been crushed the moment she found out about the miscarriage and the love she had developed for her baby had been lost and she had shut down completely.

"Adoptive parents?" Aaron asked with his voice also quiet and he only glimpsed up at Sophie for a moment before his eyes were back on the scan.

From there, Sophie spent the next 20 minutes explaining everything to him. She started from the moment she found out, not missing out any detail of the whole pregnancy experience until now.

She knew Aaron deserved to know everything, they were in a relationship now and he would have found out eventually so she owed him this explanation.

"And you found out you lost the baby today?" Aaron then asked once she had stopped talking.

She could tell how reluctant he was to ask the question, unsure of how she was going to react.

Nodding, Sophie bit down on her lip.

"Fuck, Soph, I'm so sorry."

When Sophie began shaking her head and insisting that she was okay, Aaron could read straight through her cold front. She wasn't okay. She was being torn apart inside and he could see it.

"It's okay to not be okay, Sophie." Aaron then insisted as their eyes met and it was in that moment that his words hit her with so much meaning and she began to cry.

After experiencing two miscarriages in the past, she had become numb to the feeling. She had felt as though she didn't have a right to grieve and hurt because it had just become normal to her. She felt like she should her expected it and that it was selfish of her to feel any pain.

"I know I decided to put it up for adoption but I still loved it." She spoke between the tears. "I wanted to be there for it and give it the best of life but I should have known it was too good to be true."

As Aaron wrapped his arms around her body and enveloped her into a hug, the tears came heavier and faster and she was unable to control it.

She couldn't help but feel so stupid due to her past. She had never fully dealt with the previous miscarriages because she had felt wrong for being upset.

She had always felt as though people didn't understand. She had lost the babies before she was even half way through a pregnancy and therefore most didn't see it as a big deal.

She hadn't yet met the baby and they didn't fully understand the experience as they had never been through it.

She had lost a baby, she had lost three in her lifetime yet no one viewed it that way because they were unborn.

When she had experienced it with Elliot, he had taken therapy and managed to cope. However, she didn't want therapy, she wanted to talk to him. He didn't want to talk though and she couldn't speak to anyone else because she never felt like they truly understood.

They would give her words of comfort but they would mean nothing because they just expected her to get up and carry on and forget it. However, she couldn't forget it because they were her babies and she had lost them. Nothing could explain that pain she had been through.

"It's so stupid that I'm crying, I know but..." Sophie began before Aaron interrupted her.

"It's not stupid, Soph. You're allowed to cry. Don't shut out the pain because I know you have been doing that for too many years."

As a kiss was placed on her head, after the traumatic scenes of the day, she finally felt reassured. Not reassured that she was okay or going to get over it but reassured that she could finally feel hurt and grieve not only one baby that she had lost, but three.

She was heartbroken and it was the kind of heartbreak that no relationship could give her, only this could. The loss of a baby was the only thing that could cause her this kind of pain.

*

Thank you for reading! :)

crying for sophie rn