It was a Wednesday evening and Sophie was standing in her office trying to sort through a collection of sample clothes she had been sent. It was 8pm, the building was pretty much empty and she was most definitely ready to just go home.
"What?" Sophie looked over at Todd, whose eyes seemed trained on her.
"Nothing, it's just weird."
"What's weird?"
Todd had offered to stay at work and help her get things finished up however, in true Todd style he wasn't doing much helping, so there really wasn't a lot of need in him being here.
"Seeing you pregnant." He replied while Sophie just looked down at her stomach before back up at him and smiled.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. It's like one of those shitty Instagram accounts pregnant women run, who make it look fucking glamourous. They get up every day dressed to the nines with their skinny latte and workout when in reality most just rock track suits for the 9 months."
While Todd was looking at her with an all-serious expression, Sophie couldn't help but laugh.
"So you're saying I look like a shitty Instagram account? Thanks..."
"In the nicest way possible." Todd smirked. "A hot shitty Instagram account... so hot that it doesn't seem real. I'm waiting for the cushion to fall out from under your clothes."
Pausing midway through hanging up a dress, Sophie glanced over him to try to judge his expression.
"Trust me; it's not like this when I get home. Anything comfy is my best friend, this is just a cover up." She grinned, causing him to laugh and it was something that rarely came from Todd unless he was being sarcastic.
Ever since making the decision to leave the gang, there had been this completely new vibe around him. He was still a little deceptive and enjoyed causing a bit of trouble however; he was much calmer and more approachable.
"So how are you going to cope being away from work for so long once it's born?"
"What?" Sophie looked back at him as though he was crazy for even thinking that would happen.
"Well most pregnant people take time off. I can't imagine you're going to be an exception."
"I'm taking a month once he or she is born, that's it and then I'm back."
When Todd looked at her as though she was insane, Sophie felt the need to continue.
"I'm going to persuade Aaron to take the rest."
Sophie couldn't bear the thought of staying away from work for the whole of her maternity leave therefore, she was determined to try and get Aaron to take the time off instead. She wanted to be back at work as soon as possible, no matter how exhausting it may be and no matter how much her family would try to talk her out of it.
"This is why I think you're fucking crazy." Todd began chuckling. "Do you not think you started this whole 'settling down' thing way too early?"
"No. Why?" Sophie suddenly felt defensive that Todd even had an opinion.
Throwing the clothes he was holding across Sophie's desk, he then waved his arms around the office.
"Look at us... it's 8pm and we're still working. You have a family at home yet you're here, still having to work your arse off to get shit finished. Chances are, you're going to stay over in London tonight instead of going home and chances are you won't get home until late tomorrow." Todd began, suddenly capturing Sophie's full attention. "There's nothing wrong with that but it makes something pretty clear to me."
Sophie waited for Todd to finish, yet she was burning up with anger and it was taking everything in her not to bite back.
"Your career still means so fucking much to you, that you're not prepared to make sacrifices. Therefore, you're definitely trying to settle down too early."
Todd's tone was so simplistic as though he had it all figured out while Sophie was just full of frustration. Part of her knew he was right, her career was still a huge part of her life yet to her, that didn't mean she wasn't ready to settle down. Instead, it just meant she had to be incredibly good at juggling her motherhood life with her businesswoman life, something she liked to think her mum had tried.
"You're wrong. I'm making it work with both." Sophie insisted, frustrated that he was doubting her.
"Like when you were pregnant the last time. With our baby? Todd asked, causing Sophie to suddenly freeze on the spot. "Oh wait no, you were going to put it up for adoption..."
The mention of 'our baby' made her feel a little uncomfortable yet it also filled her with so much guilt.
Since their conversation at the club when he had found out, they had just completely avoided bringing it up. Neither of them knew what to say so it was just easier to pretend it had never happened. However, it was clear that Todd hadn't forgotten and it was something that was still playing on his mind, as much as it was Sophie's. Of course it would be, they had lost a baby.
"It's not like that. I was scared. I was on my own." Sophie replied cautiously; her voice had turned into practically a whisper.
Stopping what he was doing, Todd made his way over to her desk and leaned himself against it. His eyes trained on her in a way that could make anyone feel uncomfortable.
"Right, of course." He then nodded and the sadness in his voice was unmissable yet it was so strange coming from him.
He was the least sensitive guy Sophie knew, he was usually just full of so much sarcasm however, this was a completely new side.
"Look, I'm so sorry Todd... about everything." Sophie began as she took the few steps necessary to be a little closer to him. She wanted him to know she was serious and would forever feel guilty for how she approached the whole thing.
"At the time I had been so scared. I was pregnant and not even in a relationship. I didn't know what to do!"
She remembered freaking out the moment she realised it was Todd's as she knew the type of guy he was and had wished it was Aaron's. It was her own fault for sleeping with him but it had been caused by one too many drunken mistakes that she had always promised not to do again.
"You could have just told me." He sighed, looking down to his hands as he did so.
He looked so sad and it was heart-breaking.
"You would have just walked away. You would have hated it and you know that." Sophie stressed, not believing that this Todd would have existed back then. He was so consumed in his dark side; he could never have stepped up.
"I would have freaked the fuck out but I wouldn't have walked away."
Although it was hard to believe, he seemed genuine and that made this conversation even more difficult.
"Do you realise how much it hurt hearing the truth from Kye that night? In front of everyone, Soph? I was fucking mortified."
Sophie didn't know what to say. She had not expected this reaction from him at all.
"You may have been devastated because you lost a baby but I'd lost one too and I don't think you took that into account."
Since the moment he found out that night at the club, it had not left Todd's mind and it had been one of the reasons he had left the gang. He hadn't been able to focus on anything and instead his mind had been consumed with the thoughts of this baby he never got to meet. He hadn't even known it existed until it had passed away and he couldn't seem to get his head around the whole situation. A part of him felt so empty and as though something was missing. He felt like he needed closure but he didn't know how to get it.
"I was selfish, I know but I was scared. I do wish I would have told you." Sophie breathed. "But at the same time, what did you expect? You weren't exactly 'dad material'. You were in a gang, doing drugs and other illegal shit. It wasn't ideal."
"And you were an ideal mum? Being obsessed with work and making it your complete life?" Todd laughed as though she was crazy. "You may not have been doing 'illegal shit' but your situation wasn't exactly ideal either."
Sophie felt as though she had just been slapped around the face. Todd' comments were so honest yet she knew he was just angry. She hadn't realised how much this whole thing had affected him until now, only making her guilt ten times worse.
"I'm sorry okay... I was just trying to do what was best. I never would have gone through with the adoption... I was going to pull out but then I miscarriaged."
Todd was now lost for words, as he hadn't quite expected that to leave her mouth. He was left stunned at the idea of what could have been and it made him feel sick.
"You were going to keep it?" He asked and Sophie just nodded her head.
If their baby would have survived, Sophie would have kept it and he would have been given the title of 'dad'. Whether or not she would have told him, Todd would have been a father and the emotions of 'loss' suddenly came flooding back.
"Deep down, I know you would have stepped up. I just didn't know if I was ready to put that on you." Sophie continued as she slowly made her way around to her desk and pulled open one of the drawers.
Shuffling through a few things inside, she finally found what she had been looking for and pulled out two photos. Passing them over to Todd, she watched as his eyes filled with a look she had never seen from him before. It was vulnerability and a little bit of love mixed in there too.
"They are the scans... you can keep them. Regardless of what happened, you're still the father of this baby. He or she still existed and I'll never ever forget them and you shouldn't either."
There was complete silence for a moment while all attention was on the scans of the baby neither of them had ever got to meet. It was such a strange feeling to be looking at these photos while Sophie was pregnant yet not with this baby. It seemed to mess with Todd's mind even more.
While he was gaining comfort from seeing these images, he also felt sick knowing she was carrying a baby that wasn't his. His baby had been lost but this new baby was surviving. None of it seemed fair or made any sense.
"You don't want them?" Todd asked and Sophie could hear the sarcasm in his tone. He was putting up so many defence mechanisms to act as though he didn't care. "Now you've got a new one on the way you don't want these?"
"No, I have my own copies." Sophie bit back, aggravated at how he was dealing with this.
Nodding his head, Todd just focused his eyes on the scan again, fully taking in every single thing about it.
"Honestly, you can believe what you like but I loved and still do love that baby so much. I got so incredibly attached that it broke me when I lost it. The pain that I experienced was unbearable and that was just the emotional side of things, not even considering the physical side." Sophie began, really wanting Todd to listen. "So don't ever think, just because it was your baby and at the time I didn't want to tell you, that I didn't love it. None of that experience was easy Todd, at all."
Tearing his eyes away from the photo, Todd looked at Sophie for a moment.
"I know that." He nodded, the softness replacing his bitter tone from before. "I was just angry that you didn't tell me."
Sophie understood and she would always feel guilty for it. Todd had the right to know and the fact that she had tried to keep it from him had been wrong.
"Thank you for these." He continued before reaching his hand out towards her where they both finally relaxed into a hug.
In that moment it felt as though every single defensive barrier they had built up, had suddenly been torn down and instead of blaming one another for what had happened, they just accepted that it was life. Yes, Sophie had been wrong for not telling Todd but he understood her reasons. And yes, it seemed unfair that their baby hadn't even made it past 3 months when her current one was past 6, but that was life and she couldn't feel neglectful towards them because of it.
Life was always going to be full of challenges and it was a matter of knowing which way you should take on each one. However, no one was ever going to get it right the first time and it would always take practise to realise. Therefore, this was one of those life lessons that they would learn from and know that the way they had dealt with it, probably hadn't been beneficial for either of them.
**
:))