"Are you ready?" The nurse smiled at Sophie as she set her up for the scan.
"Yeah, I can handle it." Sophie replied, trying to joke along with the nurse but it was obvious in her tone she wasn't up for it.
Most 'mum's to be' would come in here excited at the idea of getting the first scan and evidence of their growing baby inside of them but Sophie didn't feel that way.
She had so many thoughts running through her mind that she just wanted this over and done with. She had never felt so alone in her life, even when surrounded by a room full of people now she was still feeling completely and utterly by herself.
Therefore, since finding out the news, she had shut out every maternal emotion that had naturally hit her due to the pregnancy. She had pushed away every thought that tried to consume her mind about this baby she was going to be carrying for nine months and instead just focused on anything but that.
She was estimated around six or seven weeks pregnant and this was the first scan she had had. She was nervous but knew the progress of growth inside of her would not be enough to spark too many emotions in her.
"Here you go Sophie; here is your first look at your little growing baby." The nurse grinned, looking at the screen and Sophie reluctantly turned her head to follow the line of vision. "I can print you off a photo if you like?"
"No, I'm fine thank you." Sophie mumbled as she shook her head.
Glimpsing up at that screen changed everything in her in that moment. She suddenly felt sick and her face paled as she looked at this screen where they scan of the baby was present. It didn't represent the type of image she would be seeing at 11 weeks or more but it was enough to cause her eyes to be fixated on it, completely mesmerised.
"It's usually a little early but sometimes we can find a heartbeat if we're lucky. Your baby's heart is developing and will be beating anywhere up to 160 beats per minute." The nurse's words were blurring into one because all Sophie could concentrate on was on the screen in front of her.
So many thoughts were running through her mind of what she was going to do and she still hadn't made a decision.
She had come in here quite adamant that she had finally made up her mind but in this moment, she was suddenly unsure.
She had made the decision with herself that she was going to carry this baby but not get attached to it. She was going to find some amazing parents wanting to adopt. She didn't care that the potential dad may want to know and have a different opinion, it was irrelevant to her. She was going to talk to Juliet and Elliot's mum Alissa and discuss it with her. She worked in an adoption agency so she was desperately hoping she would be able to find the perfect parents.
She wasn't ready to have this baby. She was basically on her own and just reaching a positive peak in her career. She didn't want to drop that.
Therefore, this seemed like the perfect idea. Two parents who could not have a baby themselves could be blessed with hers.
However, as she looked at this screen Sophie was confused as to what she wanted. That baby on that photo was hers. It was growing inside of her and she was capable of caring for it. Whether she was alone in this or not, she had always preached that she was independent enough to not need anyone else so what changed that with a baby? Nothing should.
"Can you see that little blinking spot?" The nurse then drew Sophie's attention back in as she pointed to the screen of the scan. "That's the baby's heartbeat!"
As Sophie looked to where her finger was pressing against the screen, her breath caught in her throat as she attempted to hold back her tears. This had changed everything for her. This had made everything so real and drew her attention to the fact that the baby was alive inside of her.
That baby was hers and she was planning to give it to two random parents that she didn't know.
She couldn't do it. She wasn't able to make herself do it anymore. That baby was hers and she wanted it. She wanted to be the one to bring it up and teach it everything it needed to know. She didn't know how she was going to do it, but she was.
She could figure it out with work. She could have the baby and continue to build her career at the same time. There was no reason why you had to choose between a baby and a career, her mum had managed it.
She wanted to bring this baby into the world and protect it herself, alongside building herself up to be the best person she could be. She didn't have a full plan laid out in her mind but she had nine whole months to figure it out.
She would go back to London and hide away from everyone she knew in Brighton so they never found out she was pregnant until after the birth. She didn't want to hear their opinions on it, she didn't want people jumping in and trying to help. She knew she could bring this baby up in the world on her own. She didn't need anyone else.
"Actually, could I have a photo printed off please?" She then asked to which the nurse smiled.
"Of course you can, sweetie."
**
Continued...
Before Sophie ran away back to London, there was one family she had to visit first and that was the Lawrences.
She didn't want to leave before saying goodbye to them as she didn't plan on seeing any of her friends from Brighton for at least a year now. She couldn't avoid cutting contact with everyone fully and she didn't want to do that anyway, so phone calls and texts would be exchanged.
She was fine for now but the moment she began showing was the moment questions would be thrown her way and she didn't want to have to deal with that.
"I missed you." Jess said as she squeezed Sophie in a tight hug.
It was difficult for them both considering how close they were. They went from seeing one another nearly every day to once a month if they were lucky.
"I missed you, too." Sophie grinned, yet her grin wasn't quite matching it's usual potential and Jess picked up on it immediately.
"Do you want a drink? I've just to go and get Addie and I'll bring you one." Jess then went onto say as the screams of her youngest were heard, causing Sophie to shake her head.
"No, I'm good... thanks."
Taking that as her final answer, Jess then left the room before shortly coming back with a much calmer Addie in her arms.
"She is growing up way too quickly." Sophie looked in astonishment.
It was getting to the point now that every time Sophie would return from London; she would be faced with shock at how much Addie had changed. Considering she had begun as such a tiny baby, her growth was even more obvious when it occurred. She was still smaller than most her age but she had definitely progressed.
"Oh, God, I know. It's freaking me out." Jess pulled a sad face considering Addie was the last of her children she could class as a baby.
Mia was technically a toddler now but she always corrected Jess and Jack and preferred to be called a 'big girl' like Ellie. That meant even more difficulty for Jess as she couldn't even get away with holding onto her second youngest as a 'baby'.
"I remember when she was first born; she was the tiniest ever." Sophie glimpsed across as Jess sat down with her and ran a hand over her head.
"She was and we always got told there was a chance she would lack behind hugely with the growing aspect but that is definitely not happening." Jess spoke, all the while keeping her eyes fixated on Sophie.
She was picking up on the small things that many would not have even noticed. She was watching her every move and every action and noticing what seemed out of place.
Jess knew Sophie well and was always spot on when something was wrong and she could tell in Sophie's body language that something was.
She was sat on the sofa with one leg crossed over the other but was constantly pulling at the top she was wearing. Every time it laid back down against her body, she would pull about with it so it didn't brush against her skin.
As she spoke, she was also looking anywhere but Jess and most of the time had her eyes fixated on Addison who was sitting up in Jess' arms.
"After everything she went through, she turned out amazingly." Sophie smiled back, reaching out to run her finger against Addie's hand.
Sophie's finger was instantly clasped by her small chubby hand as Addie's eyes looked to her before producing that all famous 'Addie smile.'
It was always done with such force as though it took so much concentration for her to be able to do it. She would always try her hardest to mimic anyone she could see producing such an emotion and she was getting to the point of perfection.
"Are you okay, Sophie?" Jess then straight out asked, not being able to hold back any longer.
She could sit here and make small talk to jump around the obvious issue but it was such a waste of time. Sophie would be leaving soon to head back to London and Jess didn't want to let her go until she knew everything was okay.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She nodded, only glimpsing up at Jess for a second before her eyes fell back onto Addie.
"No you're not." Jess then responded, knowing she was going to have to go about this the blunt way.
Sophie wouldn't openly come out with what was bothering her so Jess was going to have to point it out herself.
Looking down to where Sophie was pulling at her top, Jess' eyes then moved up to look at her face once again and their eyes met. Sophie then realised she had been caught in the act.
"You're not showing yet, Soph. No one would know." Jess came right out and said it and in that moment, Sophie just froze.
She didn't know where to look or what to say, not expecting Jess to have picked up on it so easily.
"Wh-what?" Sophie stuttered, trying to save herself and keep to her original plans but it was too late for that.
Getting up to place Addison in her seat beside the sofa, Jess made her way over to Sophie and took her hands in her own.
"You're pregnant. Aren't you?"
Biting down on her lip, Sophie began to shake her head as she looked to the floor before meeting with Jess' gaze once again and nodding.
"Yes." She whispered before letting her head drop into her hands as she began to cry.
In that moment, Jess felt every bit of pain for her best friend sat in front of her for so many reasons. She knew a baby wasn't something Sophie had been planning for; her career meant everything to her and things were going amazingly. She also knew that Sophie wasn't exactly in any sort of stable relationship, things with Corey were unofficial and unclarified, so she would be freaking out over the unknown of it all. Lastly, she also knew Sophie had experienced pregnancy twice before but never for very long. She had experienced two miscarriages in the past, which put an even more fearful view of it in her mind.
"It's okay, Soph. It's okay." Jess reassured as she pulled her into her arms and held her in a protective hug.
Sophie had planned to keep this a secret for as long as long as she possibly could. She hadn't planned to tell a single person until after the birth and as much as she had remained strong, it had been killing her.
She was constantly crying on the inside due to panic and fear. She needed someone to talk to and someone to provide her with some reassurance that everything was going to be okay and there was a rush of relief through her when Jess was providing her with that.
The bond between the two of them was something that couldn't be replaced. They both came with so many flaws that neither had ever judged. They had both accepted each other into their lives with open arms and built a strong friendship that was full of nothing but love.
"It's not okay. I'm pregnant with someone's baby and I'm alone. I have no one to help me. I'm having a baby and I'm doing this all by myself." Sophie sobbed and her tears dampening Jess' shirt.
"You're not alone, Sophie. Never. This is all going to be okay, I promise you."
Jess continued to fill Sophie with as much reassurance as possible. All she needed to hear right now was that Jess was here for her, that she wasn't alone and she had someone who would be with her every step of the way.
Jess wouldn't let her do this by herself. As much as Sophie would push and push that she would figure it out, that wasn't going to be something Jess allowed her to struggle with.
...
After around twenty minutes had passed and Sophie had spent the whole of it crying, they had finally pulled apart and were now sat opposite and engaged in conversation about everything. As much as Sophie had been dreading this moment happening, it felt good knowing that she was having it with Jess.
She trusted her advice and she had managed to mother four children perfectly from such a young age that Sophie had no doubts in her abilities.
"So you don't know who the dad is?" Jess clarified once Sophie had explained half the story.
She had stopped crying but had a bin full of tissues now piled up beside her.
"No." She shook her head before looking down to her hands. "It could be Aaron, Corey or some other guys I have slept with while in London... I don't know. But honestly, I don't care. I have already made up my mind and they won't have anything to do with it."
Sophie was adamant on her decision but Jess could tell she was holding back more information.
"Have you tried to look back on dates and stuff and get a rough idea?" She asked.
"No. I don't want to and I don't need to."
"Why not, Soph?"
Taking a deep breath, Sophie was stalling before finally coming out with it.
"It's got more chance of being Corey's than anyone else's. I don't need to look back at dates to figure that out."
She wasn't certain but with probability taken into account it seemed to make sense. He had been the one she had been spending most time with out of them all and he was the one who had been sleeping at her apartment in London every weekend, so it seemed more likely.
Therefore, she had been replaying the incident when her car had broken down over and over in her mind. She had been overthinking it and analysing the whole thing, which had resulted in her getting so mad at him for not answering her call.
She couldn't help but place emphasis on the fact he hadn't been there when she needed him. That Aaron had been the one to come and help her out while Corey had been out partying.
She couldn't help but think that if Corey was the dad and she told him, he wouldn't step up. All she could think about was the fact that he hadn't been the one there to help her after all the time they had been spending together. That maybe he was just there for the good bits in a relationship and would likely run at the mention of a baby.
"And I don't want a guy feeling like he has to get involved with me because of a baby. I can cope on my own."
"You don't know that it will be that way, Soph. Whoever the dad is, Corey or someone else... they could surprise you."
Jess was confident in her answer because she had experienced temporary concerns with Jack when she first found out she was pregnant with Ellie. He had completely lost it and reacted in the worst way any dad to be could. However, he had stepped up and turned out to be the most amazing father she could wish for in the end.
"I can do it on my own. I don't need the dad around." Was Sophie's response and deciding that it was best to drop the subject for the time being and not try and force her away from her decision, Jess nodded her head.
"So you plan on keeping it, right? Is that what you're going to do?"
Sophie had mentioned earlier on in their conversation that she had been thinking about adoption but after the scan, it had changed everything. That had been the game changer for Sophie as it had provided her with a deeper connection with the innocent baby growing inside of her.
"Yeah... it's crazy but now I've seen the scan and the heartbeat, I can't let it go. I got in this mess so I owe it the world."
Jess knew exactly how she felt.
She knew how it felt the moment you found out you were pregnant and the moment you saw a scan. She knew how it felt when it processed in your mind that you were a mum and there was going to be a baby relying on you for everything. It filled you with a sense of responsibility and love that could not even be described in words, so she understood.
"Then you should keep it. You will be an amazing mum, Soph. It may feel scary now but you are one of the strongest women I know, there isn't anything you're not capable of doing."
Biting down on her lip to hold back the tears, Sophie then ran a hand over her stomach while Jess was watching her the whole time.
"I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm not ready."
Reaching out to place her own hand over Sophie's that was laid across her stomach, Jess smiled.
"No one is ever fully ready, Soph. That baby in there is going to love you unconditionally and you will love it exactly the same way. Love and attention is the most important thing you can give it and I know you can do that."
Sophie may be lacking trust in herself but Jess wasn't. She knew that even though Sophie's mind was always career focused, she could make it work.
Jess was also going to make sure she didn't have to do a single step of it alone. She would be there for both Sophie and that baby at any moment of any day. She loved Sophie to pieces and she would love and protect the baby just the same.
As Sophie's bestfriend and practically sister, she was going to be there for her every step of the way. There was no chance she was doing this alone.
*