U N D E R S T A N D I N G
D A Y 2 3
You know, there's a boy I met recently. The one who fell head over heels in love with me...
He has a terribly low self-esteem. So low, in fact, he decided today to just ramble on and on, and about everything and anything. He was angry, and hurt, even though I did...well, I did nothing. It was all so sudden. It might have been triggered by me being busy, I was working on a new website that will be ready for launch soon...and I was unable to respond to him as quick as he wanted.
First of all, let me just say this, I understand why you were always so busy. Creating a website takes lots of time and effort. Especially since my website is one that needs to be advertised. I feel terrible for always nagging you...no, I'm sure you never ignored me at first. Perhaps, later in our relationship, you were forced to...perhaps I was too much to handle later on. I should have had more respect for you...way more respect. What you managed to do with your website, the IRC, etc., is nothing short of incredible. My website is terribly lacking in security. For example, there's not even the ability to ban a person with their IP...only their username...
Second of all, I understand what you went through with me. How frustrating it must have been...to hear me ramble on about my own twisted fantasies...ramble on about how you disliked me...about you thought I was worthless...how frustrating is it to hear someone you care about accuse you of not caring at all? Extremely. I know that now. I know what it feels like to be pushed away...I know what it feels like to want to give up on a person like me.
You're amazing for not giving up on me. Absolutely amazing...I spent one night with this guy while he was rambling on about how much he loved me, about how he was sorry for everything, about how he was angry because I wasn't paying enough attention to him, about how he doesn't deserve me, about how I'm perfect to him...
God, it's fucking exhausting. I just told him goodbye.
There's a reason he was placed in my life, of course. It was nescessary for me to see just what you went through. I am so incredibly sorry...I had no idea what it was like to deal with someone like me.
The worst part is, he could be a great person...I would even consider giving him a chance if he wasn't like this.
I understand what you mean now...when you said you liked me better before you knew me...I understand completely. I don't know if you worded it quite right...I think it's more like, you liked me. You liked ME. Then depression ripped me apart, and that's the only part you ever got to know, and you've been missing ME for far too long. You've missed me for the past year and a half, because you have not spoken to ME for the past year and a half. That's a terrible tradgedy.
I'm back now...I don't expect you to care, I don't expect you to be my friend ever again...But I want you to know everything is okay. I'm okay. I'm ME again.
I'm ME, and you helped me. Even if you're not around to see the effects, you helped.
YOU ARE READING
73 Days
Non-FictionA series of letters to a once best friend, a series of letters he may never get to read. There are 73 days in summer, and that means 73 days of change. From a suicidal, depressed, self-harm addicted teenager into a (hopefully) stable young woman, th...
