73 Days

Day 26 - Raped

R A P E D

D A Y 2 6

I guess it's time to admit to myself what happpened...I guess it's time to move past that.

You were the only person I ever told. THE ONLY person. I trusted you...I know you would never tell anyone. I know you wouldn't... it just hurts to know that the only person I trusted enough to tell, doesn't care anymore. I guess there was nothing you could do...nothing I would let you do...but it was nice to confide in some one. It was nice to finally be able to cry about it... it was nice to have someone care.

I can't keep carrying this secret like this, I can't keep going back to it without closure, I cannot keep reliving it. I cannot keep thinking about it...I can't do it anymore. I can't just keep holding it inside me. You know what? That's what's been killing me...that's what it's been all this time. I've let it destroy me from the inside out...and it's just ruining me.

I was raped. I was raped by the person I called my boyfriend for one and a half years. I was raped by the person who I thought loved me. I was raped...and I can't keep thinking it's my fault.

It wasn't my fault...it wasn't. It wasn't because I asked for it.

"You're asking for it...you deserve it." he whispered in my ear, ugly beads of sweat dripping from his forehead.

I didn't deserve that! I won't let myself believe that I deserved that! I have to keep moving on. I have to. I'm not going to let him stop me, because that's what he wants!

You heard him beat on me...you heard it...and I didn't let you do anything because I still loved him...that was a mistake. I should have let you call someone..I should have let you helped me. That was my fault...it wasn't my fault that I got raped. It was my fault that I didn't get help afterwords.

Every time I think about it, it makes me cry. I just remember his hands sliding down my shorts, my body was extremely tense...I thought maybe if I was tense, it would go away, I could numb it away...his hands brushed against the lips of my vagina, and I knew what was happening. I knew. I just cried, and he wrapped his other hand around my mouth and told me if I wasn't quiet he would tell everyone I was a whore. I cried...I cried so much while it happened. He kept working his free hand all over my body while he held me down with his body...he was on top of me, and I was on my stomach...and I could feel his penis pushing down by my thigh...and his breath...it was so warm on the back of my neck..but it was the worst kind of warmth. It was so loud, the loudest breath I ever heard...and I just kept crying and crying...and I tried so desperately to free myself. I struggled until it hurt, I thought maybe just maybe I could push him off...but I couldn't...and then he took his free hand, and he removed his pants completely and then I felt him take off my shorts, and he used his free hand to just feel around my buttocks, and then he slid his fingers down and just kept jabbing...and jabbing...until he found the hole...and then he put himself inside of me. He put his penis inside of me. And I was too small...and it just hurt so bad. It hurt so fucking bad. It kept streching me...it wouldn't stop...it felt like my insides were on fire, it burned so much. And he just kept thrusting for about two minutes, and I just kept crying...I kept crying..

"Good slut...that's my good little whole...good girl..."

I kept resisting, I kept trying to shut my legs tight so he couldn't keep going inside me...maybe at least stop him from thrusting...but he kept using his legs to force them open...

He kept thrusting and I kept crying and my insides felt like they were burning...it was only two minutes with him inside me...the stupid prick didn't last long...but it felt like forever. It felt like everyone forgot about me, and I was helpless, and it just hurt so much... I just went numb. I just stopped thinking, and I stopped feeling. That was all I could do...I just went numb.

"Worthless whore..."

Then he ripped it out of me, and it burned...and then he ejaculated all over my buttocks...and I was so scared of getting pregnant...so scared...I could feel the semen drip down, and he threw me a towel...

"Clean yourself up. Whore."

I worked as quickly as I could to wipe the semen from myself, carefully avoiding the sore and tender area between my thighs...I put my shorts back on...He walked out of the room, into the bathroom, to wash his hands. I just grabbed a pillow and cried...I cried and cried and cried...and I screamed...and then he had the nerve to come back in, and rub my back, and act like he fucking cared! What the hell!

He held me, and told me it was okay...and he said he didn't mean to hurt me...and I fucking believed it. I believed every word of it, because I was so alone, and I needed someone so bad. I was still so numb, and I was just so shocked and scared...

Then you came along...and everything suddenly got better. I didn't tell you that I got raped, until a long time after it happened...a very long time...but when I told you...you didn't say much...but I felt like you cared. I felt like someone could finally hear my pain. I felt like you didn't judge me...and that felt so good. To know that you felt pain because I felt pain, and that you did care...and even though I was alone that day, I wasn't alone anymore. I didn't need him. I had you.

I had you.

Now I've gone and fucked things up, just like I always do...look at all I've given up, just because I've let that stupid memory boil inside me. That's all it has done, is kill me. I told nobody but you...now I'm writing it down. I'm going to get through this. You have helped me. Knowing that at least at one point in time you cared, and you wanted to listen, and you wanted to console me, and tell me it wasn't my fault. That still matters to me. For that reason, I will never forget you.

Today was my last day as a rape victim and my first day as a rape survivor.

I am a rape survivor.