73 Days

Day 48 - Learning

L E A R N I N G

D A Y 4 8

I drove for the first time today...and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty nerve racking. I don't know what I was so scared of though, because it was just around my neighborhood and there weren't any cars out. My dad taught me, and he always does things so fast, so as soon as I got in the car he made me back up. I was so ridiculously scared of hitting something, you have no idea. It didn't help that before I started backing up, I accidently floored the acceleration. Thankfully, there was no damage done. I really need to stop being so nervous, though... Driving can't be that hard, right? I mean, let's face it, there are people who drive to work WHILE smearing makeup on their faces and texting. Not that it's safe, but they do it. I suppose I'm just so scared of messing up. That's always been my problem...being too scared to really enjoy life. When I was very young, in elementary school, I never talked to anyone because I was afraid they wouldn't understand me because my English wasn't very good. I never raised my hand, either. In fact, I still don't raise my hand, because I'm just so terrified of saying something wrong. It sounds stupid, I know... you haven't really had any classes with me, so you wouldn't really know how I act in a classroom, but it's so different from how I act around you and my other friends. I'm learning how to be less afraid, though. I suppose it really comes down to admitting to myself that I'm not perfect, nor is anyone else. I used to always see people as this amazing, super beings who were perfect in every single way, and they never made mistakes. I guess I just thought like everyone was better than me. I loved to write though, so that's how I always communicated...teachers would notice, and encourage me to speak up, but I never could. I'm not so good at expressing myself with words, but I'm good at expressing myself with art and literature. I've often thought about trying to read my poetry to other people...and I've never done it. I really wish I could, though. Remember in Freshman year, the English classes did a whole segmant on spoken word poetry? They even had a poet come in...that was so inspiring, and I realized that it was something I really wanted to do. At the time, I dismissed the idea of even attempting such a thing because I thought I would be an automatic failure. I willing to try now, at least...not in front of a crowd, though. Maybe one person....that's another reason I miss you. I could show you anything, and I could express myself so freely, even if my English was terrible. Even if you thought something I made was terrible, you never really said it. Except for that one time, about the poem I wrote for you, ironically...

I guess what it really comes down to, is that life is about learning. Nobody is born perfect, nobody is born knowing everything, nobody is born being amazingly talented. You know what? Nobody dies knowing everything, either. That's why people like J annoy me...it's people like him that make other people scared to express themselves. People that act like they do know everything, and people that try to shut other people down...I don't know if he's aware that he makes people feel that way, though. I think he is... any chance he gets, he likes to make me feel like an idiot. If I ever come in contact with him again, I won't let him do that again. He DOESN'T know anything. In fact, he sucks at social interaction, and most of the people at our school hate him...I just don't have the heart to tell him everyone thinks he's mentally retarded.

I was always the quiet one, and being the quiet one, you hear a lot. When I hear someone talking about you, or G, or any of my friends, it breaks my heart. They just see how you look on the outside, and never even get to really see who you are. When they talk about G, they always talk about how bitchy she is, how much she screams...and even though that's true, if you give her some time, she's a great person. When people talk about you, it's always out of jealousy. They speak of you like you're this awkward, skinny little nerd. They say you're awkward, but you're really not. They just assume that because you're smart...even if you are tiny, at least you try! Who knows, maybe when I see you again you'll be totally buffed out... last time I saw you, the only thing big about you was your neck. I wouldn't think being a giant bulging hunk of flesh would suit you though, so please don't change too much.

I think one of the most important parts of growing up and getting the heck out of teenagehood is admitting that you DON'T know everything, and you never will. I've learned to admit that everybody has SOMETHING they're good at. Just because J can go on and on about troupes and trivia doesn't mean that I'm automatically an idiot because I don't know all the sayings he does. One of my favorite quotes is "If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life think it's stupid", said by Albert Einstein. That really is true! Whenever I heard you and Jared talking about things like circuits, it would make me feel like an idiot...I didn't realize at the time just because I don't know a lot about electrics it doesn't make me stupid! I know I'm going to excel at whatever I choose to do in life if I put enough effort in. I may never be able to understand what the heck positive and negative means in terms of lights or currents or whatever, but I'll be able to diagnose and treat mental illnesses like a pro one day. I'm very okay with that.

I've always been attracted to the technology geeks anyway, so chances are my husband will know what all that stuff means, and that's totally fine with me. Seriously, I need a handy man in my house because if anything breaks I will not know how to fix it. If he can handle all the gardening and the home improvement stuff, I have no problem with cooking and cleaning...except for the fact that I royally suck at cooking, and I despise cleaning. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers...I'll learn when the time comes!