U N R E A L I S T I C
D A Y 2 1
Why you? Hmm? Why were you so special to me, why did I fall so hard for you? Perhaps it's because you enabled me. Perhaps it's because you were too damn intelligent for your own good. Perhaps it was because I couldn't have you. I don't know.
I do know that I was insane. Not just insane for you, but insane for any guy who wanted to try to get to know me. You were the apple of my eye, and I was your nothing. Still, I tried so hard to win your heart...and maybe that's why I failed. Maybe I was trying too hard.
That's why I want a chance. A chance to prove I'm not clingy or crazy, a chance to prove I'm good...
I'll never get that chance, and I'm slowly accpeting that. Slowly.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that we will probably never speak again. There are other men, tons of them, but there's never going to be another you. There's never going to be another lemon square joke, another mayonase fountain, another sock. From what you show me, you don't care. Those jokes didn't seem to mean that much for you. I guess I was just...unrealistic for most of our relationship.
I let my heart go faster than my head. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, of course. I'm sure you don't believe me when I say that. That's fine, I don't blame you. Perhaps one day, we'll have the same class, and you'll see me out of the corner of your eye and remember my name. I don't think I'll ever get the pleasure of staring into your eyes again to see you looking back. I'm not going to lie, I don't want to sound creepy, but I know I'll look at you a lot. You never noticed, but in between first period and second period, I would see you on the corridor above and I would stare at you.
You were beautiful to me. Not just in a romantic way...I thought you were beautiful. There was something about you that was so quirky and charming, and I just fell in love with it. I shouldn't have.
You were the first guy that I fell in love with, first. Usually guys fall for me...usually guys like me. You didn't. You didn't like me at all. I told myself it was because I simply wasn't good enough...
No.
It wasn't that.
I just wasn't what you were looking for at the time. I don't know what I was, at the time. I didn't know what I wanted, at the time. It's changed, of course.
When you find somebody to love, I will be happy for you. I'm certain I wouldn't get a wedding invitation, and that's okay.
I won't forget you. I am thankful, for you. You might not be thankful for me, and that's okay.
The whole relationship, I was in an unrealistic state of mind. Not anymore. I'm getting better...reality is kicking in. My dream was for you to be able to see me get better. Did you ever wish anything between us? I don't know. Perhaps once and a while you wished I would leave you the hell alone. I'm sure you did.
There are going to be times in my life, where I'm going to be lost, and I'm going to wish I had you. I lost you. It was my fault...and I'm going to have to pick up the pieces alone and be a big girl.
You taught me how to pick up the broken , jagged little pieces without cutting myself. And for that, I owe you my life.
YOU ARE READING
73 Days
Non-FictionA series of letters to a once best friend, a series of letters he may never get to read. There are 73 days in summer, and that means 73 days of change. From a suicidal, depressed, self-harm addicted teenager into a (hopefully) stable young woman, th...
