73 Days

Day 30 - One Month Later

O N E  M O N T H  L A T E R

D A Y 3 0

I'd like to think I'm recovering fairly well. I'd like to think that you're happier without me, maybe...even though it hurts to admit it. I guess you must not think about me anymore, but I still think of you all the time...I feel kind of pathetic because of that. I'm making new friends, though. I still have M.

I owe M a lot, you know...I can tell him anything. He's always there for me...always...I even confided in him about the incident...he promised to not tell a soul. I know he never would. I think...I think I'd call him my best friend. He knows everything about me...it's funny though, I don't really know much about him...

I guess that's how it's always been, I've always been so open. Is that a bad thing? I know I opened up to you a lot, and from what I could tell, you really didn't care too much. It wasn't fun for you...maybe because I never opened up to you about all the good things in my life. Then again, back then there weren't many good things going on in my life. I know this is a lot to ask for...but I'd love to start over with you. I don't think I could ask for anything more, but a do over. I want to show you who I really am...the things I adore, and maybe even some of the things I loathe, and all the little parts of me that make me unique. Before, you only saw all the depressing parts...because that's all there was...

I remember when I showed you that poem I wrote about you...it was very nice, I think...but the ending....the end was so sad. M even said that...he said all my poems always end so sad...I'm going to try to write more upbeat poems. Upbeat poetry is pretty, no? I mean, all poetry, when done well, is beautiful. Poetry is supposed to invoke feelings in other people...deep, meaningful feelings. There's one poem I wrote, that you've never read...it's called "Nightmares". It's my most popular poem, with over 500 views. Everytime I show it to people...they say it makes them cry. It's a very sad poem...perhaps one day, if you ever want to talk to me again, I'll show it to you. I feel bad because it makes them sad, but at the same time, the emotion in it is so strong it makes people cry! That's how I know it's good. That's why I'm so proud of it...It's about you...but what I thought about you back when I was depressed. I don't feel that way anymore, but it's still a good piece.

I get so happy inside when one of my poems appears on the front page. I feel...proud. I guess it's okay to feel proud, right? You know, I was raised in a very Catholic home...and it's a big sin to feel proud about anything. If you say you're proud, you're scolded. Your parents aren't even allowed to say they're proud of you. I guess that always made me feel quite sad...I never felt like my parents were ever proud of me...

I remember when you said you were proud of me, for that story I wrote...that made me feel really really happy! I was always so worried to show you any of my art, or my poetry, or my writing...I guess I thought you were going to critisize me...Or think that it was terrible...and that I wasn't artistic enough...I guess you don't think I'm artistic enough, anyway, regardless of what I do...it's okay..

I guess deep down inside I always wanted to be like those other girls who captured your heart. I wanted you to think I was artistic enough to date, I wanted you to really like my art...I wanted to be yours...even if you weren't exactly like Ryan. I still can't put my finger on why I liked you so much. I wish I knew! I think it was because you were so intelligent, yet so humble...so serious when needed, but you were so silly too! Whoever you end up with, is going to be so lucky...I hope they realize how amazing you are. I really hope you find your dream girl...wherever she is...

You know, even if we never speak again, I'll keep praying for you. I know we don't talk anymore...and you don't think about me, so you probably don't pray for me...but I pray for you every night. I pray that you're safe, and that you find the girl you're looking for, and that you can live out your dreams.

I was proud of you too, you know...I didn't want to say it, because I thought it would be weird...but when you got to go to the Science Fair, I was really proud...I never told you, because I thought you'd think I was weird. I was proud of everything you did...

Do you remember the castle you built? I loved watching you play! I really do hope one day I could watch you again...even though I doubt that'll ever happen...but I was proud of you when you built that castle too. Those times were so fun..before the incident...when I was myself...and you said that I was your "inspiration". I'll never forget that. Maybe I did capture your heart...even if it was just for a split second...