N E W B E G I N N I N G S
D A Y 1 3
Writing is such a beautiful thing...such a beautiful way to express oneself. I'm learning how to deal with it all, how to deal with all the beautiful chaos of life. Report cards came today...I must say, I was not too happy. Two D's. I recall my therapist saying that, for someone with servere depression, that's actually quite good. I can't wait till the next school year, when I be fully recovered. I will reach my true potential. I will not let invisble forces of the mind control me. I will be amazing. You'll even get to see it, you'll get to see how far I've come. Although there are scars on my wrist, they do not represent weakness. They represent strength. I made it. I'm alive. Everything I suffered through will serve as a lesson, not just to me but to all others who have followed a similar path. Before they pick up that blade, before they take those pills into their fist, I want them to consider me. I want them to see what I've been through, see what I've had to pull myself out of...I want them to see what I did to the people I loved the most. That's why a job in psychology is so perfect for me...people underestimate the importance of mental health.
I wrote today. Not poetry, but I wrote another chapter for my story...it was fun. I certainly had fun doing it...and I haven't had fun in a long time. Especially not fun brought on by my own actions. And you know what? After I finished writing it, I was freaking proud of myself. That feels good. It's not a kind of pride that requires you to boast and whine about your accomplishments...it's a private pride that only I take joy in. I remember, when I told you that my book was achieving high ranks on the website, you said you were "proud for me." Perhaps you knew I had a hard time feeling anything but hate for myself...truthfully, you felt a lot of my emotions for me. When I was happy, I could see it reflected in your beautiful eyes.
"I'm happy when you're happy."
That means so much...to know that you take into account my wellbeing before thinking about your own happiness. I didn't realize how much weight those words carried before. Truly, this world is beautiful. One of the most beautiful aspects of this world is the emotions people are capable of feeling for each other. I didn't realize how beautiful relationships were...I only focused on romantics. There will always be a part of my heart that yearns for your romantic companionship, but that doesn't mean that our friendship can't be just as beautiful. I was a fool to reject your proposal for life-long friendship. Not just foolish, but selfish. I assumed that I was just a useless little object to you...that it made no difference if we were friends or enemies. Offering life long friendship is a big commitment. It's not a marriage proposal, but then again, what is marriage? Isn't marriage a life long friendship, with the added benefits of sexual gratification and economics? You may not harness a sexual passion for me...but that doesn't mean you don't feel passion for me whatsoever. Passion is not strictly sexual. You can have passion for hobbies, your job...even people. You had a passion for me that didn't delve into a sexual realm. Your passion laid in keeping me happy, and healthy, making sure that I was able to keep going. You loved talking to me, didn't you? Your passion was for our friendship, our long ridiculous conversations. And to think, I thought you didn't care... I miss your passion. Passion is a beautiful thing. Any positive relationship between two people is a beautiful thing. I was so blinded, I couldn't see that. Even if you had accepted my request for a romantic relationship, I was not stable and it would not have lasted. In order for me to be able to truly love someone else, I must love myself and God first. If I cannot do that, I have no business in romantic affairs. And you know what? I do love myself now. I love myself. It feels...strange saying that. But I do. I love God, as well. I know once I recover fully, I will be ready to pursue a romantic relationship. Or not. That's my choice. Perhaps I will not ever be romantically involved with you, but a lifelong friendship isn't any less beautiful than that.
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
73 Days
NonfiksiA series of letters to a once best friend, a series of letters he may never get to read. There are 73 days in summer, and that means 73 days of change. From a suicidal, depressed, self-harm addicted teenager into a (hopefully) stable young woman, th...
