P S Y C H O L O G Y
D A Y 1 2
Goals. I have goals...to hear myself say that...it's just so strange to me. For the longest time, I've planned for my death. I haven't given myself any reason to create goals. No, not anymore. I will become something. It would be an insult to you, to my father, to God, to all of the people that helped me along the way if I just ended myself and faded into nothingness. One day, when I'm older, I'm going to do something extraoridinary. When people ask me how I got that far, how I finally succeded...I'm going to tell them about you, and about all the times you've saved me. I owe you everything.
What an idiot am I, to not realize what you've done for me until now! This mask of depression, it'll drive a person insane, you know. I remember the days of before...I spent hours in my room, curled up in a ball...crying...wondering why I'd never amount to anything. Wondering why I was cursed to be like this, cursed to be ugly and sad, and lonely, and fat and hated! I would look in the mirror, and see this ugly little reflection staring back at me. I would look amongst crowds. and see nothing but perfection. That mask of depression destroyed my reality. I lost you. You know what? If you never wanted to talk to me, I would understand. After what I did...that's inexcusable. I was offered help numerous times, but depression slapped your helpful hand away. I should have grabbed the hand you offered me and used it to hoist myself up while I was drowning instead of trying to drag you down with me. I will be strong, and I will carry on.
I love psychology. That's my passion. Understanding the way the human mind works...it's incredible. I remember all the long nights you spent listening to me babble away about my theoretical "discoveries". You probably didn't take any interest in it, and truthfully some of the time I just liked hearing myself talk and use big words. You must have loathed being on the phone with me when I went into what you would call my "Professor State". Temporary moments of clarity...only to go back to being shrowded in darkness as the night went on.
There's another reason I love psychology, besides academics and research. I want to use my knowledge of the human mind to aide people. I don't want people to have to go through what I went through, locked in a prison cell, a victim of my own mind. I want to be able to provide people with a means to make themselves better, like how you treated me. Certainly, I was stubborn, but my dear, let's be honest, you were no professional. Often times you simply gave up and decided that you were going to go off and leave me alone. That's what you did on the last day I saw you...I don't blame you. You answered when I called though, so I know you still had a little bit of compassion left in you. What I did was not fair to you, though. I pushed you to the edge of your human capabilities.
What I wanted from you was something I couldn't get from any human. I wanted truly unconditional love. The kind of love that only God could give. Now I'm on the right path, walking in the light with Jesus...but I wouldn't be doing that without your help. God is love. I understand that now. Before, I used to roam around endlessly searching for something to sooth my lonesome soul. How foolish was I, to believe that what I seek could possible be found on this Earth, amongst crowds of regular , mortal people!
You're such a beautiful enigma to me, did you know that? You're a psychologist's dream! I can't guess what you're going to do next, and that thrills me! Normally, people are tedious little creatures. Truly predictable, easy to read...but you're so different! I know that you would make a most admirable husband. I know it's just a dream, but being able to spend eternity with you makes my heart race! You've truly freed me, all your help has not been in vain, my friend. My speech has improved greatly, my research is going smoothly. I have a schedule of research to maintain now, instead of spontaneous moments of clarity. You've helped me reach my full potential... I can't thank you enough for that. Instead of woeful aloofness, I'm bright and alert! The world is a treasure chest to me, full of the minds of billions of people. Minds that are waiting to be opened, and I am eagerly awaiting a time where I can study and practice psychology professionally, in a university or clinic perhaps. You have awoken a part of me that has laid dorment for years...I have developed a keen sense of curiousity, and there is so much to discover in the world! So much to live for!
YOU ARE READING
73 Days
Non-FictionA series of letters to a once best friend, a series of letters he may never get to read. There are 73 days in summer, and that means 73 days of change. From a suicidal, depressed, self-harm addicted teenager into a (hopefully) stable young woman, th...
