F E I G N I N G E U P H O R I A
D A Y 1 7
Remember all those times when I was so cruel to you, and then I walked away, claiming that my life was so much better with you out of it?
It wasn't.
You know, it was an awful lot like a crippled person kicking the crutches away and claiming he's better off without them while staggering about.
You were helping me...and depression didn't like that. There was a part of me that didn't want help from you, a part that didn't quite understand the reason you rejected me. There was a part of me that wanted revenge. I wanted to make you feel rejected, and not good enough, because that's how you seemed to make me feel. I wanted it to seem like I could live my life fully and happily without you, because I know that you could do it without me.
That hurt me, so much...knowing that you could walk away and never look back. Knowing that you would never think about me again, knowing that you would never wonder where I went. You were still looking for N three years later...then again, she captured your heart in a way I'd never be able to.
I guess what really hurts is the fact that I thought we were closer than we really were. I thought that if I dissapeared, you'd look for me. I thought that if I walked up to you crying, you'd hold me and tell me it was okay. I at least thought that if I left one day, you'd wonder where I went... but you wouldn't.
I guess it's kind of pathetic to say this, but if you ever dissapeared I'd go to the ends of the Earth to look for you.
I guess I can understand...I was always so cruel to you... I didn't even realize it at the time.
Being rejected by a person you adore...that really hurts. I was head over heels in love with you...and I can't believe I thought you liked me.
Looking back, I guess it was all wishful thinking. I guess I wanted to think I was good enough...I'm not too pretty, I'm not too nice...I'm not too anything...except for maybe cruel. But I thought maybe you would give me a chance.
I can't hate you for rejecting me. I deserved it. I wouldn't have dated me, either.
Everytime I was cruel to you, everytime I said my life would be better without you, I was just trying to make myself feel better by hurting you. I know it never hurt you, I know you didn't care at all...but I just wanted you to see how it felt. That wasn't something I was able to do, to make you feel rejected by somebody you loved, because you simply didn't love me. So I tried instead to make you feel worthless and unimportant, by trying to completely leave you and not look back. That didn't bother you, either. I'm such a terrible person to even think about doing that to somebody who was always there for me. I shouldn't have been angry or upset for you rejecting me, I don't even deserve you.
That was such a low, low point in my life... I wanted other people to feel as miserable as I felt inside while trying to pull myself together on the outside. I'm so sorry.
I don't deserve you, and that's why I don't have you.
YOU ARE READING
73 Days
Non-FictionA series of letters to a once best friend, a series of letters he may never get to read. There are 73 days in summer, and that means 73 days of change. From a suicidal, depressed, self-harm addicted teenager into a (hopefully) stable young woman, th...
