Denial - a Breddy fanfic

181.

Eddy had absolutely no idea what to get for Brett for christmas. It stressed him even more out that Brett claimed to have gotten him "the perfect gift". How on earth could be possibly match that?

"You really don't have to get me anything. You're already giving me everything I could ever want," Brett repeated for the millionth time, pressing his lips against the mark he'd made on Eddy's neck the night before.

Eddy exhaled quietly at the touch, but kept scrolling faster down the shopping website he had found to get ideas. Brett had wrapped his arms around him from behind, finally being taller with Eddy sitting in the couch.

"I want to get you something, you deserve that," Eddy sighed, tilting his head slightly to the side to let Brett rest his head on his shoulder. "I just don't know what to get you."

Brett snorted.
"I'm sure you'll think of something. Otherwise, just put ribbon on your head and I'll gladly have you," he joked, playfully taking Eddy's ear between his teeth for a moment.

"God, Brett, you're so cheesy," Eddy giggled, turning his head to kiss him while closing his laptop.
"Cheesier than a cheese pizza," Brett mumbled against his lips, running a fingertip gently along Eddy's jaw.

Eddy half tossed his laptop to the side of the couch and moved to sit on his knees towards Brett in the couch instead.
"I love you," he sighed, wrapping his arms around Brett's neck. "But I don't think just me as your christmas present will be enough."

Brett snuck his arms around Eddy's waist under his t-shirt, feeling the goosebumps form under his fingertips where he touched.
"I think you should remember that I struggle every day to be enough for you. Why would you make it harder for me?"

Eddy stopped and furrowed his brows, feeling a sting in the bottom of his stomach.
"Is that what it feels like to be with me?" he asked quietly, brushing some stray hairs away from his forehead. "That's not how it should feel like. Like, at all."

"I like the struggle. Makes me feel worth it," Brett mumbled, kissing him softly again, but Eddy pulled away from the kiss. "Just knowing I do my best every day to deserve you."

Eddy stared at Brett's honest eyes and felt his heart drop into his stomach. In the back his head he prayed for this to just be a bad dream. It never was.
"You really don't have to do anything special to deserve me, Brett," he whispered, running a thumb over his cheekbone. "I swear, Brett, just you is enough for me."

Oh how much Brett wanted to believe that. He really did, but every time he let go just a bit everything started crumbling. Any slack he gave himself caused some kind of stupid thought forming in the back of his head, making everything a thousand times worse. The stupid thought had just allowed him to tell Eddy about how his mind worked, and look where that got him.

"Is it, though?" The sadness in Brett's eyes as he slowly let the grip around his waist go made Eddy want to break down in tears. He hated this, with all his might. "Because I don't actually think I am enough, not yet. Maybe when I'm well, off the pills... You know, back to be normal?"

His arms fell to his sides for a moment before he took a step back and moved them to hold himself instead. Eddy shook his head slowly.
"D... Don't be silly, Brett," Eddy stuttered, sliding off the couch and walking over to him. "You're sick. It's an illness, Brett, and it doesn't make any difference in whether I want just you or not."

Brett looked away.
"You said that yesterday too, but it really doesn't feel that way. It feels like I'm pulling you down, holding you back," Brett sighed, fiddling with the sleeve of his "silent night"-sweater. "I know, logically, it's not correct, though. I do."

Eddy pulled the smaller man into a hug with a tiny sigh for the third time this week while rubbing his back gently.
"I know you do, love. Sorry I can't make you feel that way."