Denial - a Breddy fanfic

98.

After the tuba player had left, who they after a short chat learned was called Knut, they went on their way to the hotel. Both were a bit shaken from the encounter, but their hands were still intertwined as they walked past The Blue Rock and past the little kiosk and McDonald's to their hotel.

The receptionist greeted them as they walked past to the elevator, and Brett gave her a small wave back. The elevator door closed behind them and Eddy wrapped his arms around Brett again, not taking notice of the little hard cube in Brett's left hand jacket pocket.
"I love you so much, you know that right?" Eddy whispered, looking into Brett's eyes. That intense look from earlier was back.
"I know, you've said it like a million times today", Brett replied, warily. "I love you too, Eddy." Eddy kissed him quickly before  the doors opened and stepped out with him. Brett grabbed his hand.
"Eddy, what is this about?" he asked, stopping them just outside the elevator. Eddy froze and bit his lip. Brett couldn't worry about him, his job was to be happy and it was Eddy's job to make sure he was.
"I just want to be sure you know", Eddy said before turning around and facing him again. "It's important to me that you know." Brett looked up at him, trying to read his facial expression. He couldn't, and it really worried him.
"Eddy..." Brett began, but was interrupted by another kiss.
"Let's go to our room", Eddy said quickly, pulling Brett with him by the hand towards their room. Brett couldn't do anything but let out a sigh. Something was wrong, and Berit's words kept repeating in his head. Communication is key.

Brett had barely put his violin case down and gotten his jacket off when Eddy's arms were wrapped around him again, this time in more of a hug. He hugged Eddy back, rubbing his back carefully.
"Eddy, love... Talk to me please", he said as a sigh, still holding the hug. "I can't  help you if you don't talk to me."
Eddy moved to kiss the mark he had made underneath Brett's ear that morning in an attempt to distract Brett but was pushed away.
"Eddy", Brett said sternly, looking up at him. "Please, just talk to me. What's wrong?"

Eddy's smile didn't comfort Brett at all. It felt fake, almost desperate, and it kind of creeped Brett out. 
"Nothing's wrong, why do you think that?" Again he placed a kiss on Brett's forehead, but Brett moved away from the touch.
"Because you're acting weird, and if I'm honest it's creeping me out right now. Eddy, please talk to me." He placed a hand softly on Eddy's cheek, looking up at him. "What is wrong, Eddy?"

I can't keep him happy, I can't make him stop worrying, I screwed up again. I screwed up. Stop it. Fix it. I have to fix it. Whatever I have to do. Anything for him. Anything for Brett.
Eddy's head was running fast, trying to find the correct way to fix this. The correct way to make sure Brett was happy. He didn't find any solution that made sense to him, and when he felt the tears trying to force their way everything became worse. Brett would worry if he cried, and Brett shouldn't have to worry about him. He had to be fine.

Brett saw Eddy's panic build even though he didn't say anything. He pulled Eddy over to the bed, making him sit next to him.
"Eddy, look at me", he said firmly, waiting for him to listen to him. When he finally did, a single tear ran down his cheek. His hands were shaking, and he was on the verge of hyperventilating. The broken look in his face crushed Brett's heart, but he didn't let Eddy see that.
"Breathe with me, Eddy, come on", he said, taking demonstratively a deep breath, watching as Eddy tried to do the same but only getting a row of hiccups.
You did this to him, Brett. Remember that.
Brett forced the voice all the way to the back of his brain, attempting to ignore it. They did not need Brett to have a breakdown as well right now. Fix Eddy first, break down later.

After almost half an hour of breathing, Eddy had finally calmed down again. He was looking down at his hands, feeling like an idiot and like he was trapped in a fridge.
"I'm so cold", he mumbled, still not looking up from his hands. Brett stood up and grabbed his own jacket, as it was the closest, not even thinking about the very obvious duvet they were sitting on. He hung it over Eddy's shoulders, rubbing his back in an attempt to heat him up faster. Eddy pulled the jacket tigher around himself.
"Better?" Brett asked quietly, feeling the guilt brewing in the bottom of his stomach. They had to talk about this.
Eddy nodded quietly, not moving his gaze from his hands. Brett sat down next to him again and placed his arm around him, feeling slightly relieved when Eddy rested his head on his shoulder.

They just sat there for a long time, neither really knowing what to say. Surprisingly, it was Eddy who broke the silence.
"I was trying to keep you happy", he said, almost as a whimper. The words hurt him just as much as they hurt Brett.
"You don't have to try to do that, you keep me happy just by being here", Brett tried to comfort him before placing a kiss on his cheek. Eddy shook his head.
"You seemed a whole lot happier today, though", he countered, biting his lip. "I really did my best, Brett. I'm sorry I couldn't keep it up."
Brett placed one hand on each side of Eddy's face and made him face him.
"Eddy, listen to me please. You don't have to do that, I don't need to be happy all the time. What I need is for my boyfriend to be alright too, okay?" He took a deep breath before kissing Eddy quickly on the lips. "And we need to talk about things, and be truthful. Like right now, that voice in my head that keeps telling me stupid stuff is trying to tell me I did this to you, and honestly, I don't know if it's right or wrong anymore."

Eddy pulled Brett into a hug, knowing he was right. 
"You didn't do anything, Brett. That's the truth. I think I just wanted to... I don't know, make it up to you for breaking up? I don't feel like I can ever make that up to you, honestly."
Brett closed his eyes, focusing on Eddy's voice. He wanted it to be true, he willed it to be true. Even when the voice told him it had to be a lie he convinced himself it was the truth. He swallowed hard.
"I don't think I've ever been so heartbroken in my life, which is why I was so relieved when you took me back. I'm not mad at you for it."
"Okay", Eddy said, closing his eyes and just holding the hug. His instincts told him to apologize, but he knew that wasn't what needed to be said right then. "I think I need time to forgive myself for it, anyway."
"We have until the end of the world, I hope. Take your time."
"To the end of the world", Eddy repeated, moving slightly to kiss the mark on Brett's neck again just as his stomach growled loudly, causing both of them to giggle slightly at the weird situation.
"Hungry?" Brett asked with a tiny smile while pulling away from the hug. Eddy nodded, mirroring his smile.
"Let's get something to eat then", Brett decided before kissing Eddy softly. It felt so good to finally have talked properly about something.