Denial - a Breddy fanfic

69.

Of course, when the soloists and the conductor failed to show to rehearsal, the concert master went looking for them. When he only found Eddy crying in the wardrobe, he didn't get much wiser. Eddy tried to tell him to just let everyone go home, but the concert master decided to rehearse the accompanying parts with the orchestra.

Eddy didn't understand why Brett left so suddenly. He knew it must have been something he had done, but he couldn't figure it out. Maybe Brett finally had realized he didn't want to be with someone as tainted and disgusting as he was? The hurt look in Brett's eyes didn't make sense with that, though. He felt like the world was crashing down around him, like the universe was mocking him. He just knew Chris would find out now. Gardner would tell his dad who would tell Chris and then he'd do something to hurt Eddy, or worse - Brett. Another wave of panic set in as he realized Brett was probably alone somewhere right now. With shaky hands he got himself onto his feet and stumbling out of the wardrobe to find Brett.

Brett had went to the same bathroom as he had the last time he had a breakdown at rehearsal. The one with the many yellow stalls. The voice in his head was beating him up, but Brett let it. He felt like he deserved it.
You stupid, ugly piece of shit. You fucking idiot. You ruined him! You made him panic, you made him feel like that, you're the worst person he could ever have met!
Brett wanted to scream but no sound came out. He had curled himself up with his back against the wall by the door, clenching his fists as hard as he could. It hurt. Of course it hurt, his ring finger wasn't okay. He wasn't okay. His nails on his right hand were digging into the palm of it and he squeezed his hands hard against each side of his head. 
What made you think you deserved him in the first place? You don't deserve anything. Nothing, you fucking moron. You don't even deserve to fucking die, you deserve to suffer for your idiocy. He'll never love you, he never did. You're a nothing. Eddy deserves so much better than you!
It was so hard to breathe. His entire body was shaking so much he knew he wouldn't be able to stand up. He felt like he was dying, like someone had placed a boulder on his chest and tried to squeeze him with it. He wasn't able to cry properly, wasn't able to even think. He had never had a reaction like this to anything ever, and just the experience of it scared him. He was scared he would die, scared something would happen and that he'd leave Eddy to fend for himself. He didn't want to leave Eddy like this, not on bad terms.
You don't deserve to see him again, you don't deserve to be on the same earth as him. 

He heard the door creeking open, but he wasn't physically able to see who it was. He had no idea how much time had passed. It could have been hours for all he knew, it could have been just ten seconds. Both felt equally likely.
"Bretty!" Eddy gasped as he saw the shaking man on the floor. Quickly, he sat down with him and pulled him into a hug. Eddy felt tears running down his cheeks with guilt. He was supposed to make Brett happy, to help him through this.
"N... n... n... o... do...don't, p..please... I... sorry..." Brett sobbed all on inhales, weakly trying to push Eddy away.
Guilt trip him into thinking he's loving you again. You're such a selfish coward.
Eddy didn't let go, though. Just squeezed him tighter. He didn't understand what Brett was going through, but he knew most of it was Eddy's fault. He knew he had so much blame in the pain Brett was going through in that moment, and it ate him up. Maybe Eddy wasn't good for Brett? Maybe they'd be better off not being together? Eddy didn't really want to think about it, but the thought had already manifested itself in his brain. Maybe this was a bad idea?

They just sat in the hug for what felt like forever. Brett's shaking was decreasing and he was eventually able to force himself to hug Eddy back. Eddy almost wanted to cry when he felt it. He didn't think he'd ever feel any affection from Brett again. He think he had ruined everything.
"I'm so sorry, Brett. I don't know what I said, but I'm so sorry. I love you, I love you, I love you. Please forgive me for shouting at you, for not being more careful, for making you feel like this, please forgive me. Please, Brett. I love you. Please." Eddy knew he was rambling now, but words couldn't express how guilty he felt about making Brett like that. He didn't feel like he could ever make it up to him.

"I... I'm sorry... I'm sorry I told him, Eddy", Brett sobbed into Eddy's shoulder. "I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry..." Eddy wanted to hold Brett even tighter, but he knew it would probably hurt him to do so. He was scared he'd lose Brett after this. They had never fought over anything, really. Always found a way to talk through things, but this... This felt like they were trapped in hell, getting roasted on a hot fire while the Devil himself slowly pulled their hearts apart. 

It was silent for a long time except for the occational sobbing from both of them. When they pulled away, Eddy placed his hands around the shorter man's face.
"I love you Brett, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I made you feel like this." Brett, who had calmed down a bit, shook his head.
"I did this to myself. I deserve it. I should have shut up. I don't see how you can ever trust me again. I am so sor..." Eddy didn't want to listen to him talk like that anymore and with a new set of tears running in streams down his cheeks he pressed his lips against Brett's. The kiss was desperate, like both of them were worried they'd never see the other again. They never wanted to end it, never wanted to let go of the other. Both boys were convinced they were the one who had ruined everything, and their desperation to apologize to the other affected the kiss.

"I love you, I love you, I love you", Eddy whispered against Brett's lips. It still sounded like an apology. When they pulled away, neither of them let go of the other.
"I love you too, Eddy. I'm sorry I told Gardner, I just... I want to protect you and... and... I'm not very good at it, am I?" He let his index finger carefully run over the vague bruise on Eddy's left cheek, wiping away a tear in the process. His voice was still shaky when he spoke, but definitly not as bad as earlier.
"You shouldn't have to protect me, Brett. I should be the one to take care of you, and yet I am the one who's hurting you." Brett couldn't shake his head at the statement. Yes, Eddy had hurt hi before, but he didn't care. If that's what it took to get to be with Eddy, he'd take it. 
"I don't care if you hurt me, I know you never do anything to hurt me. Even if you did, I don't care because... because I love you, and I don't know what I'd do without you Eddy. You're my everything. Everything." Brett's voice, still shaky, was somewhat firm and desperate at the same time. His eyes were still red and puffy from all the crying, and his body felt weak from the shaking, but everything felt better when Eddy was there. "Please don't leave me, Eddy. I need you. I love you."
Eddy let out a sigh, partly of relief and partly of guilt. He knew they needed to talk about this in a calmer sense, but right now he just wanted to forget everything. Go back to discussing who would propose, to cuddle in bed, to make love, to just being together.
"I love you too, Brett."