Longing (Steve Rogers x reader)

The swarm of memories

After breakfast you found yourself in the main living room again, continuing to detail out everything from your mission in London. Clint was back, and seemed to be typing loudly going a mile a minute, while both Steve and Bucky were slow and steady. Clint was so focused and you knew his report was going to be incredibly detailed. You tried not to miss a single detail about the mission itself, making sure to mention each piece of clothing and shoe. Each small destination you had made it to. It was hard to make sure you wrote everything from memory alone since it was one of the longer missions, but you were also used to keeping things detailed. You had sat on the couch with your back up against the arm, with your legs stretched out along the couch, and your feet touching Steve's thigh where he was seated at the other end of the couch. It was comforting to be touching him even in a small way, and you would flex your feet once in a while to press against his leg a little more, and his hand would come off the keyboard and touch your shin for a moment to assure you he was still there.
Around lunch time you had finished your report and you announced when you were done lunch that you were headed out for a few hours to work on something personal. Steve frowned, seeming a little upset you weren't asking him to come, but he also hadn't finished his report yet so he couldn't ask if he could come either. You couldn't have planned it better. You had wanted the time to go through things on your own since you were going to start emptying the locker and donating the furniture and various items you didn't need any longer.
When it was time to leave you gave Steve a quick kiss on the lips, and you hurried back up to your room to grab your sneakers and a jacket. The fall weather was brisk, and it was getting closer and closer to Thanksgiving where Clint's family was going to come to the compound for a change. You still remembered last year and going to their place with Bruce and Nat, and that's when you started leaving behind some of your things since Laura had told you they wouldn't lend out the room they had chosen for you to anyone else. You had been touched, and you still felt the same way. They had adopted you as one of their own, and for that you would forever be grateful.
You put on your red sneakers and your black leather coat before running back downstairs and making your way to the front parking lot and getting into your car, throwing your purse on the passenger seat and the keys went into the ignition. You started the engine when you heard your phone ping. You pulled it out of your purse and it was a text message from Clint asking you to drop your location so he could keep an eye on you. You knew he was being over protective, but he commonly did this when you went out on your own. You turned on your data and dropped your location so he could watch you for the day. You turned on your Spotify and turned on some empowering music to pump yourself up for the task ahead.

You drove out of the parking lot and started heading into the city, watching as the ever changing trees with their bright colors were starting to seem almost bare on the side of the road, with leaves fallen on the ground and moving around with the breeze. You tapped your fingers on the steering wheel, your eyes dropping down once in a while to look at the promise ring on your finger. The diamond was small and beautiful. It suited your hand, and you liked the intricacy of the band.
As you got into the city the streets became busier and more congested. You knew the way to your storage unit like the back of your hand, it was an area you used to frequent when you needed a spot to sleep for the night. It wasn't the best neighborhood, but when you first agreed to join Tony over a year ago, it was what you could afford. You remembered paying some of the street kids to help you move all your furniture out and into the small unit, and offered them your place and the last of your food for the rest of the month. The move to the compound had come mid month and had been a sudden decision, but Tony was pushy and wanted you to join as soon as possible.
You got to the building where your storage until was held, and you keyed in your passcode to get in. You drove through the gates as soon as they opened and you went and parked your car before making your way to where your door was and you parked your car. You could think of a few key items that you wanted to bring back with you, things from your life before that you had carried with you the entire time you lived on the street. It all fit into a backpack, but it meant the world to you. You had lost everything, but you refused to lose that.
Getting out of the car, you noted that your lock was a little rusted, but looked like it was untouched since you had last been there. You inserted your key and turned the lock before taking the padlock off the door and opened it up. The squeak of the door as you lifted it seemed a little shrill, but you had been anticipating that. You stepped into the small space and nothing looked touched. Everything was exactly where you had left it. Your large floral couch, stained long before you had bought it at a garage sale, stood in the middle of the small space and you took a few steps forward and sat down in the center of it, the familiar sound of the springs groaning made you want to giggle slightly. There was plenty of dust collected in the room and it made you sneeze. You took a tissue out of your pocket and blew your nose, before putting the soiled tissue in your pocket. You got up and walked through the cramped space, making your way to one of the bookshelves and you saw your precious backpack that had survived so much with you and you picked it up and brought it back with you to the couch.
You sat back down and slowly unzipped the zipper and opened it up. It was untouched, and just the way you had left it, stuffed with your photo albums, your parents wedding rings, and your stuffed teddy bear that you had had since you were a baby. It was just a small dark brown bear with a frayed red bow around its neck. You took a ragged breath and studied the teddy bear for a moment before holding it close to your chest and bowing your head. You knew exactly where Mr. Brown was going to go. You put the teddy bear back into the bottom of your bag, and slipped your hand into the pocket and pulled out your parents rings and a quiet sob escaped your throat. Time passing had never eased the pain of losing them, and you looked at them. You wrapped your fingers around the two gold bands and choked back a second sob. You were determined to remain strong. You took off your necklace that Steve had given you and slipped on the two wedding bands for safekeeping and put the necklace back on. You pulled out one of the photo albums and gave a small smile seeing it was from your younger years and your parents' early marriage before they had you. You started at the beginning, the pages sticking together as they hadn't been touched in quite some time. You studied each photograph closely, seeing their smiles in their younger years without a care in the world. You got to your baby pictures and smiled at how happy both of your parents seemed to be. You finished the one book and set it down to the side, before pulling out the next one. Tears started filling your eyes, dangerously close to your waterline as you saw this was the one from your last few precious years with your parents. You felt a single tear fall against your will and you slowly flipped through the pages, committing each photo to memory just like you had so many times in the past. It felt like it was all you had left from your once very happy life. You knew your parents would love Steve if they would have gotten to meet him. They would likely be worried about your career choice however.
You had barely realized how much time had passed as you continued to go through each of the photo albums while you cried your heart out. You had to stop a few times to catch your breath, but you continued to go through them like your life depended on it. It had been so long since you last had seen these pictures, and you wanted to feel that flood of memories you were experiencing. Your phone let out a shrill ring and you jumped and quickly reached for it.
"Hello?" your voice clearly laced with tears. You had blindly answered it without looking at the caller ID.
"Songbird?" Clint's voice came through the phone. "What's wrong?" he sounded immediately worried.
"Just a lot of memories," you whispered.
"Papa Clint is coming, okay? Don't leave where you are at" he said decisively.
"No, it's okay. I'll be okay" you choked back another sob as you saw the face of your mother and father looking back at you.
"Whatever you're doing, you aren't doing it alone. Come on Steve" he called through the phone and it suddenly disconnected. You looked around the small space a little embarrassed but you didn't want to upset Clint by leaving. You felt resigned to your fate, and brought your attention back to your albums. You were half tempted to turn off your phone, but Clint already had your location and you knew he would find you regardless. You didn't exactly hide your car, and you could easily see the side street from where you were seated. You curled your legs up under you and stared at the pages in front of you. You didn't know how long you were there, staring at your parents' happy faces when you suddenly heard the honking of a horn. You ignored it since that was commonplace to hear in the city, but then the rattle of the chain link fences came and you heard feet on the pavement making their way in your direction.
"Songbird?" you heard Clint's voice and you looked up with your tear streaked face to see Clint and Steve just outside of your little storage unit. Both men were looking at you worriedly, and you saw heartbreak go across both of their faces. "Come see papa Clint" Clint opened his arms to you and you put aside your photo album and stood up. You easily walked into his open arms and he wrapped them around you, and held you close to his body. "What's got you so upset? Talk to me" he whispered to you.
"I needed to go through my storage locker and..." you took in a ragged breath, unable to continue as the sobs raked through you again.
"Shhh.. it's okay. Let it out" Clint soothed you. "I brought your boyfriend for backup, and I think that was the right call" he said after a moment. You could feel his head moving around and looking at the contents of the locker. "Steve, why don't you go and put those photo albums in the back pack and put it in her car. I think she's done enough for today" Clint said after a few minutes.
"I'm okay," you whispered. "I need to do this," you whimpered.
"No, what you need is to grab those things and bring a little bit home. What are you going to do with all this furniture?" he asked, trying to get your mind off your sadness.
"I was going to donate it" you sniffed.
"Good, we will get the boys to come help move it all into one of Tony's trucks. You've been holding onto this all this time?" he asked softly. You only nodded, unable to come up with a response. "You don't need it anymore. Some of it looks like they wouldn't even take it as a donation" he said, and it made you give a slight giggle. "There's my girl" he rubbed your back as Steve walked around him and he carefully and you heard him closing up the open album and the quiet shuffle of him putting them back into your backpack. You heard him close up the zipper and you opened your eyes to see Steve walking past you again with worry etched onto his face as he went to put your bag into the backseat of your car. Steve came back over and seemed to be tense. Clint let go of you and Steve reached out for your hand and pulled on it gently. You took a few unsure steps towards him and he pulled you into a warm embrace.
"You didn't have to do this alone, my Angel," Steve whispered to you.
"I needed to," you muffled against his chest and he just held you a little tighter.
"You never need to be alone," Steve shook his head. Clint took a few more steps into the storage until and had a better look around.
"You're never going back to this life" he said as Steve continued to soothe you. Steve gave you a few reassuring kisses on the side of your head, and you nuzzled more into him. You were glad for the extra affection they were giving you tonight. You felt like you needed it. "Come on, let's lock this up for today and go grab some burgers at the diner down the street" Clint announced.
"But what about supper and Tony's rule?" you asked, your voice muffled against Steve's firm chest.
"Fuck his rule, you need some junk food" Clint grabbed your purse for you and Steve finally let you go. "Steve is driving you, you aren't in the right state of mind" Clint decided.