It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 166

January 24, 2015

The camera's lights were flashing all in my face. It was blinding me, but at the same time it was distracting me from what was about to happen inside of the theater and what I was about to watch. 

"Isn't it fucked up that you brought your husband to your dead husband's documentary made about him?" Ethan asked me, raising his voice so that I could hear him. 

"Hmm...let me think about it. No."

"You don't seem too happy."

Then, I saw Lorelai, Melissa, and Frances, and I ran to them, hugging them as tight as I could. 

I never saw Lorelai or Melissa anymore. Them moving out had been really hard on me because I had spent my whole life with them living with me, and now they were just gone. I wondered if they felt the same way or if they were happy that they had moved out. At least I had Jackson and Ethan. It was nice when there were other girls around, though. 

That was probably how Ethan felt before Jackson was born-surrounded by all those girls. 

"Are you guys okay?" I asked them. 

They all nodded their heads. 

"How have you been?" I hugged them all again. 

"Good," They all said in unison. 

"I have a feeling I'm not going to want to dissect this movie," Melissa told Frances and they both chuckled about it. 

I felt bad for her. Did they even want to be here or did they feel obligated to being here? I didn't want to watch the movie, but at the same time I really did. I wanted to see what Brett made and how he depicted Kurt's life to be. It was probably going to be way off than what it actually was. 

"Let's go," I told them all and we walked back next to Ethan. 

I wasn't ready to watch this with him. Brett was going to be using home videos that Kurt and I had recorded of each other and I was not ready for that. I had warned him about it, but he didn't care. 

If I was in his shoes, I definitely would not have wanted to watch him in love with someone else. Even if she was dead, it would've still hurt me too much. 

Ethan wrapped an arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. Brett walked over to us and I gave him a hug. 

"Thank you for coming," He grinned. 

"You're welcome," I looked at my girls and they weren't smiling. They were just staring at everyone in front of them. 

It felt like none of us wanted to be here. It wasn't that we weren't excited to see the movie, but we knew that it was going to make us really emotional. 

I wasn't ready for that. 

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I sat with Ethan on the left side of me and Melissa on the right side. I wanted Melissa to be next to me in case she got upset or had any questions about anything. She was going to learn a lot about her dead father and I wanted to be there for her. 

The movie started out with an animation of Kurt in his youth. There was also a recording of himself talking about his childhood. I had no idea that he went through all of that. He had told me a couple things about his childhood, but he never really talked about it. He didn't like to talk about it.