It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 29

January 9, 1992

I woke up the next morning with a great feeling. Kurt and I didn't have sex right away. He just took off my clothes and we got the bath ready. It was a nice, hot bath. We didn't have sex in the bath. We just enjoyed each other and talked. At one point, there was just silence-you couldn't even hear us breathing. 

We had sex all night-all night. I only got two hours of sleep. That was fine, I would just sleep while Lorelai was at daycare. 

I checked the clock and thought that we should probably get ready to go. I stood up and I felt this shooting pain between my legs. 

Fucking Kurt, I thought. 

I shook him and stood up, my legs shaking tremendously. I made it to the bathroom and put on my clothes from the day before. 

I looked at Kurt who was peacefully sleeping on the bed. I started to softly cry, but caught myself before I could. I already cried the day before-I didn't need to do it again. I just didn't want Kurt to leave. He was so exhausted. He did not show it in any way, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't. He had to quickly adapt to the rockstar lifestyle. It was a lot to deal with, but he was dealing with it greatly. He was using drugs in the beginning, but he stopped. Maybe it was for me, maybe it was for Lorelai, maybe it was for himself. I wouldn't know, but he stopped and that was all that mattered. 

He made me so happy and he made my life complete. He wasn't going to leave me-ironically, he was leaving-but he wouldn't leave me. I couldn't see us not being together. When I first met him, I had no interest in him whatsoever-sure, I noticed him, but he didn't really stick out to me. Now look at us. We're in a fucking hotel and had sex all night. 

We loved each other and that was all that mattered. 

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"Daddy's leaving?" Lorelai asked, holding onto Kurt. 

"Yeah, Daddy's leaving," I kneeled down. "Let's go get in the car to drive him to where he needs to go."

"I don't want Daddy to go."

Kurt picked up Lorelai as she cried. I grabbed his bags and we walked to the car. 

Dave and Krist were really worried that we hadn't reached out and told them how we went to a hotel and spent the night. We all got into the car and drove to the airport. Shelli was going to drop off Dave and Krist. 

The whole car ride, Kurt rubbed Lorelai's leg and told her he loved her. I put my hand on his leg and rubbed it. I would miss him so much. I was beginning to think that Lorelai would miss him more than I would. 

Kurt and I never talked about telling Lorelai the truth about her dad. We kind of just went along with the idea that she would grow up thinking that he was her dad. I didn't think that it was a bad thing, but how would she react if we were to tell her that her real dad committed suicide and we lied to her her whole life. 

"We're here," Kurt said. 

I snapped out of my thoughts and felt my lip start to quiver. I thought about things that made me angry and the feeling of me about to cry went away. 

We spotted Dave, Krist, and Shelbi all the way across the parking lot. They ran over to us, all of them holding numerous suitcases. They never packed a lot. If they ever needed more things, they could buy it-they were rockstars. 

Kurt opened up the car door and hugged Lorelai. She started crying and held tightly onto his neck. 

"Don't go, please!" She sobbed.