It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 4

November 2, 1990

I opened my eyes and saw that the spot in my bed next to me was empty. I got startled and sat up, but then remembered I didn't have any clothes on. 

I grabbed my robe, tied it, brushed my hair and teeth, then walked out to the living room. 

Kurt was just wearing his jeans with no shirt on and I smiled as I saw him on the couch with Lorelai. 

I hugged him from behind and kissed his cheek. 

"Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked him. 

"Sure," He got up and we walked into my bedroom. 

"Last night was...great. But, don't you think we're moving too fast?"

"No."

"No?"

"No. Everything happens for a reason. You and I both wanted to do it."

"But still. We kissed each other and fucked all in the same day."

"And?"

"I guess you have a point. I'm going to take a shower-can you stay with Lorelai?"

"Sure," He walked out and I took off my robe and took a shower. 

When I got out, I brushed my wet hair and just put on shorts and a tank top. I walked out and asked Kurt when his next concert was. 

"I think the November 25," He replied. "I don't remember."

"I want to go see you guys."

"You do?"

"Yeah-I'm pretty sure I told you guys that when I first met you. I don't remember, though."

"Mommy?" Lorelai asked. 

"Yeah?"

"I need to go pee-pee."

"Then go pee!"

"Okay," She giggled and ran into the bathroom.

 I followed her, waited until she was finished, wiped her, then flushed the toilet and had her wash her hands. 

"Ruby," Kurt took my hand and guided me into the kitchen. 

"Yeah?" I asked. 

He kissed me. "I just wanted to do that."

I smiled. "Okay."

He gasped. "The concert is on November 25 in Seattle."

"Seattle?"

"Yeah, is that a problem?"

"I don't want to drive all the way to Seattle."

"We could drive you."

"I would have to bring Lorelai with."

"That's fine."

"Groupies? Drugs? Sex?"

He chuckled. "None of that shit is in a van. It's just three lovable guys."

"Right," I rolled my eyes.

"Ruby?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you tell Robert you were pregnant?"

I was about to tell him, but then thought hard about it. "Why do you want to know that?"

"I'm just curious because you guys were younger and in high school."

"Well, I took a pregnancy test because it had been, like, two months since I had my last period. My stomach was bigger-but I thought I was just bloated. It came back positive and I started crying. I drove to Robert's house and I sat down on his couch and started crying harder. He asked me what happened and I just said, 'We fucked up, Robert.' He knew what I was talking about because he had seen the pregnancy test in my hand. He snatched it from me and he brushed his hair our of this face. I thought he would start yelling or crying, but he didn't. Kurt, he smiled and chuckled. He said, 'I'm going to be a dad, Ruby.' I looked at him and I was so confused and he said, 'I'm going to be a dad. I've always wanted to be a dad. You're going to be the mother of my child. Ruby, we're going to have a child together. We have created a human being. We're going to be together forever.' I remember those exact words as if it was yesterday. I just cried harder and hugged him."

Kurt was smiling. "That's adorable."

"Yeah, but it's over now, so..."

"He seems like a good guy."

"He was a good guy, yeah. I guess Lorelai and I just weren't good enough."

"What do you mean?"

"We weren't enough for him to stay. I was so fucking mad. He had a daughter and a girlfriend. He had a family, Kurt, and he just left us."

"I know, but it's okay."

"No, it's not. Do you want to see the note he left?!"

I went into my bedroom before he could answer me, grabbed the note from under my bed, and handed it to him. 

"One sentence for each of you?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. 

"One sentence-that's all he left us. Lorelai will never know her dad and that's what was left of him. I never got any home videos of them or anything-just pictures."

"If you were to get married again or something, would you have him act as the father to Lorelai?"

"The biological father?"

"Yeah."

"I don't get what you're asking."

He sighed. "Let's say you were to date a guy named Fred or something. Would you have Lorelai grow up thinking that Fred was her biological father?"

"Probably, I don't know. It depends how Fred acts and if he loves her."

"Hmm," He looked over at Lorelai sitting over on the couch, playing with her dolls. 

I took the note from him and put it back where it belonged. 

"Kurt?" I asked. 

"Yeah?" He walked towards me. 

"I want to be with you."

"You what?"

"I want to be with you. I don't want anyone else to be with you."

"Okay, we can make that happen."

I hugged him. "You can't leave me, okay? You have to stay with me."

"I'll always be right here."

"Promise?"

"I promise," He kissed the top of my head.