It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 45

March 23, 1992

"It's just crazy," I told Gavin. "I hate this so fucking much. There's so much going on."

"Well, Ruby, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not a therapist."

"I know. I'm just venting."

"How have you been?"

I glared at him. "I basically just told you."

"Oh. So, Kurt's not awake yet?'

"Nope."

"I'm sorry."

"That's all people say. 'I'm sorry'. Like, I get it. You don't know what else to say."

"Why'd you come over?"

"I needed to get away from Shelli and Krist and Dave. They're at the bowling alley right now trying to take their mind off of everything, but I just can't-I would bring them down."

"Is Lorelai with them?"

"Yeah," I then just broke down and started crying. 

"Hey, hey, it's alright," Gavin hugged me. 

"I'm so scared."

"Of what?"

"What if he's dead?"

"Ruby, look at me," He pulled my face up to look at his. "He's not dead. I pro-"

"But what if he ends up dead?"

"He's in a hospital with professionals who know what they're doing. Ruby, it's all going to be alright."

"Do you know how they found him?"

"No."

"Shelli and Krist went to my house because Dave had called to ask them to check up on him. They found him in our bedroom. Now, I don't know exactly what they saw-I didn't want that image in my mind-but I do know that Shelli called 911 and Krist just was in utter shock. I mean, imagine seeing your best friend-" I stopped and realized that I wasn't crying anymore. I wiped my tears away and just shook my head. "It's bad, Gavin. What if they didn't check up on him?"

"Stop with the 'What if's'. It's only hurting you, Ruby. Listen, I'm here. It's okay."

"Gavin?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still have feelings for me?"

"I love you, Ruby."

I didn't say anything. I thought that he would have lost feelings by now, but love is...unspeakable. It's special. 

"How's your baby?" He asked. 

"The one in my stomach? I don't know. I'm scared about that, too. I haven't been able to talk to Kurt about any of this because it would just add more stress, but I'm pretty sure that stress can lead to a miscarriage-"

"You're speaking nonsense, Ruby."

"Am I?"

"You can't just be stressed out and have a miscarriage. That's probably a factor that is a chain reaction to other causes. But, you're not going to have a miscarriage."

"I was worried that when I was pregnant with Lorelai that I was going to have a miscarriage."

"You're always worried."

"I always have been. Even now, I'm worried that my boyfriend is dead. Again. If he dies, I'm done dating. I'm staying single forever and I'm going to move to another country."