It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 68

October 10, 1992

"I'm actually leaving," Kurt said. He had just gotten home the day prior, but he was going to be going to rehab. We couldn't risk him doing anything else to himself, especially if he still wanted to see his kids. 

I was tearing up. I wasn't going to be going with him. If I did, I would've stopped him from going somehow with my stubborn-ass. Who knows? Maybe I might've convinced them to make me go with him. It would hurt me too much. Maybe he needed me, but I needed him and then he went and overdosed, so I guess that you could call it even. 

I hugged him and kissed him. "I love you, Kurt."

He was tearing up. "You're not going to come with to drop me off?"

"If I did, I would never come back." I rested my head on his shoulder and rocked myself slowly back and forth, enjoying the moment. "I'm still very angry with you, Kurt."

"I know. I'm sorry," He let me go and wiped away his tears. "Can I at least say goodbye to my girls?"

I nodded my head and went with him upstairs to go say goodbye to Melissa and Lorelai. Melissa was asleep in her crib, so Kurt picked her up, kissed her head, rocked her back and forth, and put her back down. He went to go give Lorelai a hug, but she was asleep, so he just kissed the top of her head. Frances was downstairs in her carseat. We put her in there since Courtney would be coming to pick her up soon. Kurt kneeled down and kissed her head, then stood back up. 

"I'm really leaving," He said. 

"It won't be for that long."

"It's still going to be for a while."

"It's for the best."

"You know what I love about you?"

"What?"

"You're such a hard person to like."

I frowned. "Excuse me?"

"When we first met, you were such a nice person and then you hung around me more and now you're a hard person to like and I love that about you. Nirvana fans don't like you and they think that 'they would be the better pick to be my girlfriend' or sometimes even be my boyfriend."

"That is the most fucked up compliment I have ever gotten."

"What I'm saying is that I love you, Ruby and please don't ever stop being yourself."

"I didn't know that your fans didn't like me."

"They won't like anyone I date; they're starstruck. Why? No fucking idea."

I chuckled and started to softly cry again. He was really leaving. Just looking at him smiling was giving me so much joy. 

"Oh, I got something for you," I grabbed my purse and pulled out a fake pair of glasses. "I think they'd suit you."

He put them on and smiled. "They feel funny." Then, his smile faded. "I think I should get going."

My face fell. "Oh. Um, okay."

He hugged me tightly and kissed me hard. "I love you so much, Ruby. I'll write to you, okay? If they let me, I will."

"I'll write back," I smiled. "Goodbye, Kurt."

"Goodbye, Ruby. Give Courtney my condolences."

"How about no?"

He didn't say anything else. He just walked out of the door and shut it softly behind him. I locked the door and sat on the couch, softly crying with my head in my hands. 

I was fighting with myself to not go out and grab him and drag him back inside if I had to. I didn't want Kurt to leave. I was going to feel so alone for the next couple of weeks. He wasn't going to be gone for that long, just two weeks. But, it was still two weeks without him. I didn't want him to go for too long. 

Just then, there was a knock on the door, so I wiped my tears and braced myself, knowing that it was Courtney. I opened the door and saw Courtney standing there. I handed her the carseat and diaper bag. She walked away and I shut the door. No words were said between us. No words were needed to be said.