It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 70

October 31, 1992

"Alright, we're all ready," I told Kurt as I got the camera ready to record him. 

"Introducing..." He hollered from upstairs as I stood downstairs. "Princess Lorelai!"

She came down the stairs in her Halloween costume and was slowly waving her hand back and forth, smiling at me with her Trick-Or-Treat bag in her hand. 

"Next," Kurt continued. "We have the pea!" He walked downstairs with Melissa in his hands and stood next to Lorelai. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have the Princess and the Pea."

I shut off the camera and chuckled. 

"Mommy, what's your costume?" Lorelai asked me. 

"Upstairs," I told her. 

"Go get it on!"

I went upstairs and changed into my Halloween costume. Kurt and I decided that we were going to be dressing up since it would be our first Halloween together as a family. How ironic that the first day we met was on Halloween. Well, not the first day we met, but very close to that. 

I came downstairs wearing Kurt's black and white striped long-sleeved shirt with ripped jeans and his big white sunglasses. We chose to dress up as each other.

"There's Mommy dressed up as Daddy," He had the camera rolling. 

"Go get dressed," I kissed him and turned off the camera as he went upstairs. "You girls ready to go Trick-Or-Treating? Get your shoes on, Lorelai."

As she got her shoes on, I got Melissa's diaper bag and made sure that everything that we needed was in there. 

"Daddy, you're silly!" Lorelai started laughing loudly. 

I looked at him and saw that he was wearing a very, very tight black, silky dress of mine and attempted to makeup on his lips-it was all over his cheeks-and he put mascara on and eye shadow. I had no idea where he had gotten all of these things because I didn't wear makeup. 

"You look gorgeous," I chuckled. "That dress looks better on you than me. So, that's what you think I look like?"

"Yes. Very very messy."

I playfully shoved him and we got into the car and drove to the nearest neighborhood we could find since we lived in the "middle of nowhere", as Kurt liked to call it. 

"Are Dave and Krist going to meet up with us?" I asked. 

"No, I don't think so," Kurt replied. 

We stepped out of the car after Kurt parked along the sidewalk. 

"Listen to me, Lorelai," I knelt down to her level. "You need to hold Mommy's or Daddy's the whole time, do you understand me?"

"Yes."

"Repeat it back to me."

"I need to hold yours or Daddy's hands the whole time."

"Good job."

She held my hand as we walked to the first house. Kurt had chosen to take Melissa out of her carseat and hold her. No one had seemed to recognize us, which was nice and I could tell that it helped Kurt relax and have some fun for once. 

"We got out first bag of candy," Kurt exclaimed. "As a family."

"As a family," I smiled. 

Going around the houses and getting the candy was an experience for all of us. Lorelai enjoyed it the most out of all of us. Kurt had me hold Melissa halfway since his arms were getting tired. I got frustrated that he didn't just bring the stroller and we ended up bickering back and forth for a little. So, by the time we finished going around the neighborhood, Kurt and I were angry with each other. 

We walked back to the car and put the kids in the car and drove back to our house. It was frustrating that we couldn't even have a fun time together without arguing with each other. The car ride was silent except for Lorelai giggling every single time she found a piece of candy. 

"Did you have fun?" I asked Lorelai as we pulled up into the driveway. 

"Yeah!" She squealed. "We should do it again!"

"Shh!" Kurt snapped at her. "The baby's sleeping."

I glared at him and took Lorelai inside while Kurt grabbed Melissa. I took off Lorelai's costume and put her in her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and laid her down to sleep. I took her Halloween basket and put it on top of the fridge downstairs. Kurt was holding Melissa on a rocking chair that we had. 

"Hey, why'd you snap at Lorelai like that?" I asked him. 

"I don't know; I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

"Okay."

"Listen, what the fuck is going on? You've been different since I've left to go to rehab."

"No, it's that I'm having a hard time trusting you. Kurt, the only reason why I am with you is because of her." I pointed to Melissa.

I immediately regretted my words as Kurt stood up, handed Melissa to me, then walked upstairs. 

"Kurt," I called after him, but he just ignored me. 

"Goddammit," I muttered softly to myself. 

I fed Melissa as she started to get fussy, then walked upstairs to my bedroom and saw Kurt laying down on the bed. I put Melissa down in her crib, kissing her head softly, then kneeled down in front of Kurt. 

"I'm sorry, okay?" I asked him, but he continued to ignore me. 

I sighed and walked into the bathroom and took off my clothes. I put a sports bra on and some underwear, brushed my teeth, then climbed into bed. Kurt was misunderstood his whole life by his family. He probably felt like I wasn't listening to him. But, I wasn't able to trust him. I couldn't trust him. He put his life at risk for a motherfucking drug. 

I noticed that his bare back was facing me, so I tickled it softly with the tips of my fingernails; he always liked that. 

"Sing something," He muttered, half-asleep. 

"What?" I whispered. 

"Sing something."

I started singing the lyrics to "Across the Universe" and in the middle of it, he flipped over and laid his head down on my chest. 

"I'm sorry," He said, making his fingers dance on my stomach. 

I sighed and ran my fingers through his hair. "It's going to take me a while to forgive you, okay? But I do love you very much. Things will go back to normal; I promise they will."

"I'm glad I'm back."

"Me too, Kurt. Me too."