It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 119

January 24, 1994

My mom and dad were still staying at our house. I was starting to think that they just wanted to be here and didn't want to be on their own. I didn't mind because that meant that I could leave whenever I wanted to and my parents would watch the girls. 

"Where are you going?" Kurt asked as I came downstairs dressed up and had my keys in my hand. 

"I have my therapy appointment today," I replied, putting my shoes on. 

"Can't you do it when I leave?"

"No," I chuckled. "I already have it scheduled. I'll see you when I get back."

I got into my car and quickly drove off to her office. As soon as I arrived, Cadence called me back to her room. I walked inside and sat down on her couch. 

"Nice to see you again," She smiled. 

"Thank you."

"How has your past week been?"

"Kurt came back into town. He didn't even tell me-he just did it out of nowhere."

"Well, that's a good thing, right?"

"It is, yes, but now I feel like I can't tell you how I feel about our relationship because now that he's back, I don't want any chance of us separating."

"Okay, well, I think we left off on...Robert. Right?"

"Yeah, we did."

"So, his suicide really took a toll on you. Did you ever blame yourself for it?"

"No, but his mom did."

"Did your parents help you at all during this time?"

"No," I chuckled. 

"Do you ever miss Robert?"

"Yeah. Sometimes, I'll just randomly think about him and get sad. It was worse at the beginning of my relationship with Kurt. I would just randomly leave and go visit his grave."

"Without any warning?"

"Yeah. After he died, I would constantly watch videos of us. Now, I keep them tucked away for our daughter, Lorelai."

"Alright, now, let's move onto the next chapter of your life. What happened in between the time you got Lorelai back and the time that you met Kurt?"

"I worked at a gym as a yoga instructor and then I bought an apartment and lived there with Lorelai. I was just trying to get my shit together."

"Then, you met Kurt. How did you meet him?"

"Dave called me-after years of us not talking-and said that he was in town and wanted to see me again. Kurt was there, too, and I was not attracted to him at first. I just never really thought of anyone like that before. But, on the Halloween that year (it was a couple days after we met), him and I talked just us and I definitely felt something towards him."

"So, when in your guys' relationship did things start getting hard?"

"I don't exactly remember. It was probably when he started touring, though."

"Is that hard for you?"

"It's really, really hard for me. I hate it when he's gone. I feel really lonely-and it's not in a co dependent way. I get that that was what I signed up for in the relationship (I knew that he was going to be gone a lot), but I also underestimated how tough it would be on me."