It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 32

February 22, 1992

 To be honest, I was thankful that Shelli didn't leave. Lorelai was being very hard to handle and I definitely would not have been able to handle her on my own. There were some occasional nights where I would cry because of Robert and she helped. I grew to really like Shelli-I needed someone like her in my life. 

I never really had a best friend after I got pregnant with Lorelai. Nobody wanted to help me-they didn't want that responsibility. I didn't mind; it wasn't their kid. But, it still hurt that no one was there beside me except for Robert-he was all I had. 

Gavin on the other hand, was keeping his distance but he was still being friendly. We hung out the day before (Shelli was there too) and went to the bowling alley. I had forgotten how to bowl, so Gavin taught me. He was fun to have around. But, he never talked about the day that I was working at the gym and he was there, too. I didn't need to know-I put it behind me. It wouldn't matter in ten years.

Kurt's birthday was two days prior. He didn't want to do anything for it. I called him and sung him happy birthday, but we weren't able to celebrate it. I mailed him a picture of me just in time for it to arrive on his birthday and he thanked me over the phone. That's all that we did, though. I hoped he had fun. 

"RUBY!" Shelli yelled, snapping me out of my own thoughts. 

"Sorry," I chuckled. 

"So, I want to go out and get a couple pairs of clothes today. Can you come with me?"

"Of course."

She turned to Lorelai who was eating her pancakes. "Do you want to go shopping today?!"

"Yeah!" She jumped off of her chair and went into her bedroom with Shelli to get clothes on. 

I had grown jealous of Shelli's and Lorelai's relationship. It felt like they spent more time together than I did with my own daughter and I was not fond of that in the slightest. She was my daughter. If Shelli wanted a kid so bad, she could literally have one-she has a fucking husband. But I ended up calming myself down. Shelli was helping in so many ways. I needed her

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Of course Gavin had to come along. He always did that. Majority of the time that we all went out, Gavin would come along, too. He was just lonely and I could relate to that. But it would've been nice to have just some alone time. 

I held Lorelai's hand as we walked inside the mall. 

"Mommy?" She asked. 

"Yes?"

"Can I get a toy?"

"Let me think about it."

Shelli led us into a generic clothing store-I didn't look at the name of it-and looked around. 

"Mommy, it's Daddy!" Lorelai pointed to the T.V.

I looked at the T.V. and saw Kurt with Krist and Dave. They were in an interview. I obviously couldn't hear them-it was too loud-but I could never grow tired of looking at Kurt. The way his lips moved when we talked, it astounded me. Then, his lips curled into a smile and he started laughing, but that made my heart break. It felt like he was having so much fun without us. 

"Ruby, what time are you donating blood at?" Shelli asked me. 

"Umm, about an hour."

I needed to donate some blood. I wasn't earning enough money to keep paying the bills. So, I scheduled a time to donate blood.