It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 141

April 3, 1994

Last night felt like a dream. It felt like it hadn't really happened. I wished that it didn't happen. 

I was so glad that Kurt was there and that we found him. Well, we didn't technically find him, but he showed up. At least I didn't have to worry about him being dead anymore or worry about not being able to find him. I mean, he could've been missing for the rest of his life, but we have him. 

On the other hand, I was pissed at him for what he did. I was angry at him for his reaction for things and just everything about what he did. Maybe I had overreacted, but I had every right to scream at him like I did. 

What hurt the most was how calm he was during the whole thing. He never once yelled at me, but I yelled at him. He was like that. He didn't like to yell, except when he was singing. That's all his singing was: screaming and yelling. It frustrated me sometimes that he stayed so calm because I never knew if that was how he was truly feeling or if that was just an act he was putting on. It felt like yelling at a brick wall.

He never was the confrontational type, but I was. We were like polar opposites of each other. Opposites attract. 

Kurt was just such an enticing person. Everything about him was so magnetic to me; it just drew me in. 

The way he talked. It was always soft, but he never really talked. Not even around people that he was really close with. When he and I were having one-on-one time, he definitely talked a lot. But, Dave had always described him as introverted. When him and Kurt lived together, Kurt never really went out of his way to talk with Dave. It wasn't that he didn't like him, it's just that he was introverted. 

The way he just observed people. I was the same way. Whenever we would go out, sometimes we would just sit and observe people. Most of the time, I observed him observing other people. But he would always look at one person and study them. It was like he was trying to figure something out about them. 

The way he laughed. Most of the time, Kurt was the one laughing-not making other people laugh. He was a funny person, but he didn't go out of his way to be funny. No, that was Krist's job. That's probably why they got along so well. 

Kurt was just attracted to people that were more extroverted. His best friend is one of the biggest extroverts and so is his wife. I wondered if Melissa and Lorelai and Frances were going to be that way. Melissa probably would be more introverted. Lorelai was more extroverted. But, I had a feeling that Frances was going to be a mixture of both. 

After I was finished thinking about Kurt, I packed my bags and signed out of the hotel. 

I was going home. 

                                                    

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I knocked on the door and could hear chatter from the outside. Dave unlocked the door and Melissa started running towards the door as soon as she saw me. 

"Hi!" I giggled and picked her up. "Oh I missed you!"

I dug my face into her neck, tickling her and making her laugh. 

"Where the fuck were you, Ruby?" Dave asked me. 

"I went to a hotel," I answered. 

"So you just fucking left?"