It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 42

March 16, 1992

I woke up on the couch. I didn't want to go back upstairs last night after I saw what Kurt had done. I was scared. Krist, Dave, and Shelli all spent the night, too. I didn't tell them what was wrong and I didn't plan to. It was none of their fucking business. 

When I woke up, it was about nine and Lorelai still wasn't awake. I went to check on Kurt and heard vomiting. 

Shit. 

I ran into the bathroom and he was leaning over the toilet, gripping the side of it. I could see his veins clearly from how hard he was gripping it. Even though I could normally see them-from how skinny he was-they were more noticeable. 

I pulled his hair back and whispered softly in his ear, "Hey, I'm here."

I tickled his back as he vomited. It was funny what love could do to you. You could be mad at the person you loved for so long-for me it was all of yesterday-but the second they were in pain, you rushed by their side. 

I just wanted Kurt to be okay. I didn't like what we were doing to each other. The worst part was we didn't even realize it. We didn't realize the pain we were causing the other. 

He stopped throwing up, but he was still leaning over the toilet. 

"Hey, get up," I softly said. 

"No."

"Why not?"

"This never happens," He started choking on his spit, but he spat into the toilet. 

"What do you mean?"

"You never show me you love me! You don't tell me you're here for me or tickle my back!"

"Kurt, come here."

"No-"

"Kurt. Take your clothes off."

"Ruby, I didn't-"

"Go!" I chuckled. 

He stood up and took off his pants. He already didn't have a shirt on. I looked away, plugged my nose, and shut the toilet lid and flushed it. I got out and started the bath and put it a little warmer than warm-he always liked it that way. Boys didn't like baths as much as girls did, but it was the only way I could "bandage him up". 

"I don't want to take a bath," He looked at me with a glare in his eyes. 

"Did you clean up the mess from last night?"

He knew exactly what I was talking about. "Yeah. Ruby, I'm so sorry about that. I just-I'm so fucking overwhelmed. Everything from paying for this house, going on tour, interviews, autographs, Courtney-FUCKING COURTNEY-, the new baby, OUR new baby, just-"

"Stop," I took his hands in mine. "Stop. Breathe."

I turned the bath off and told him to get in. He took off his boxers and stepped in as I giggled softly to myself. 

"What?" He looked at me. 

"You have no ass."

"Mine are bigger than yours!"

"Do you have multiple asses?!" I laughed hysterically. 

"My tits are bigger than yours."

"You're right."

I always had small boobs. I was an A cup size. I never had enough money to get a boob job. Robert told me I didn't need to get a boob job, but I was never confident in myself to just walk around without a shirt on and feel proud about my boobs.