It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 35

March 1, 1992

I breathed in and out slowly, shaking violently. It all made sense-I just couldn't comprehend it. 

Kurt was out with Dave and Krist doing an interview. Shelli and Lorelai went to the park and I stayed home. I didn't tell anyone the news-I couldn't. 

There was a knock on the door, so I got up from the couch and opened it up to find Kurt, Dave, and Krist standing there. 

Oh god. I was not ready to tell Kurt the news yet. I didn't want to. 

"You don't look too happy to see us," Kurt pushed his way inside along with Dave and Krist. 

"Where's your key?" I just remembered. Why did he knock?

"I didn't bring it with me."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I guess I forgot it."

"How was the interview?"

"Krist was fucking hilarious," Dave chuckled. 

"What's new?" I smiled. 

"Ruby," Kurt pulled me by the arm into our bedroom and shut the door. 

He looked me up and down, then kissed me. Hard. I wasn't expecting it, so I gave in and tangled my fingers into his hair. The feeling was euphoric and I didn't want it to end, but I remembered that I needed to tell him something. But he groaned against my lips and I moaned, too. 

Focus. I needed to focus. 

"Kurt," I said and pushed him away softly. 

That was something that I never thought that I would do, but I had to. So many girls would die to be in my place and here I was just pushing him away as if this happened to me every day. It didn't happen every day, but it happened quite often. 

"I need to tell you something," I tell him. 

"What is it?" He asked me. 

God, those eyes were something that I never got used to. His eyes were just so blue and beautiful and perfect. He was perfect. 

"Spit it out!" He joked. 

"Um, w-w-well, I, um-"

"Listen," He took my hands in his. "Breathe and calm down."

I took a deep breath in, then out. "Okay, okay. Kurt."

"I'm still listening."

I shut my eyes. "I'm pregnant."

He let go of my hands. "What?"

"I'm pregnant," I smiled, but then it faded away. 

Kurt didn't look happy. He looked as if he had received the worst news in his life. His expression was just horrible. 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" I snapped. 

He walked into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. 

"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" I yelled. 

I was beyond furious. How could he be frustrated about this? It was our kid. We loved each other. 

He opened up the door and his eyes were just red. They were red and filled with tears. His cheeks were stained with tears. Everything about his face were tears. 

"Why are you upset?" My eyes started watering, too. 

I would've never expected that from Kurt. Kurt loved kids. He loved Lorelai as if she was his own. Well, it felt like that. 

"You don't understand," He choked out. 

"I don't understand what?"

"You can't be pregnant, Ruby."

"Um, yes I fucking can. We had sex."

He ran his hands through his hair and groaned. I was beyond confused. Why was he acting like this? Did I do something wrong? Was he planning on breaking up with me? That was probably it-that would've explained it. He didn't want me to be pregnant so that he could break up with me and just leave me. 

"You were going to break up with me," I started crying harder. "Leave Kurt. It's okay."

"What?! No! Ruby-"

"No, no-"

"Ruby, be quiet!"

I jumped back. He never yelled at me like that. 

"Please just fucking listen to me. I'm not upset that you're pregnant."

"Yes you are!"

"Yes I am," He muttered. "You just wouldn't understand, Ruby."

"You're right, I don't understand. This is fucking bullshit. I'm scared, too! I was so fucking happy when I found out, but you brought me down-"

"Courtney's pregnant!"

What.

"What?" I asked. 

He looked surprised as to what he just said, too. He covered his mouth. "I-"

I left before I could hear the rest of the words that came out of his stupid fucking mouth. 

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"Mommy, why are we here?" Lorelai asked as I tucked her into bed at a hotel room. 

"Because it'll be fun."

"This isn't fun," She turned away. 

"Believe me, I know."