It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 89

July 22, 1993

Kurt squeezed my hand as my eyes stayed on the road. We were driving to the airport to drop him off. 

The whole drive, I was crying. Kurt didn't do anything to help since I specifically asked him not to. It would just make me more upset. 

I had my parents watch Lorelai and Melissa at the house because I knew I was going to be a wreck after Kurt left. I wanted to prepare for the worst, and in case anything happened (like a car accident), I didn't want them to be in the car.

I parked the car on the side and helped him grab his suitcases out of the car with some duffel bags. 

"By the time you get back, your hair's going to be blond again," I stared at his brown hair. "I really like it brown."

"It's going to be long again, too," He shut the trunk. 

"You're going to grow it out again?"

"Yeah. Just the way you like it."

I tried to smile, but I couldn't. I knew that in a couple of seconds, he wasn't going to be there. He was going to be inside, leaving. 

Too many thoughts were rushing through my head. I mostly didn't want him to go. I could see from a distance some paparazzi taking pictures of us. 

It was as if Kurt had read my mind, because he stood in front of me, blocking my view of them. 

"Look at me," He placed his finger under my chin and forced me to look up at him and into his eyes. His beautiful, blue eyes. "You're going to be alright. I need you to repeat that."

"I'm going to be alright," I whispered. 

"Ruby, come here," He hugged me and I held onto his shirt as I cried. I felt him start to cry, too.

I held onto him as tight as I could, not wanting to let him go. I couldn't let him go. I couldn't let him leave. 

"You can't leave, Kurt," I told him. "We're supposed to get married."

"We're already married, Ruby."

"No, we need to celebrate it. We need to go do things. We have so much left to do. You can't leave me."

He was sobbing. "Ruby, I don't want to leave, okay?"

"Then don't. You don't have to."

He looked away from me and rubbed his eyes. "Ruby-"

"Kurt, please," I was raising my voice. It felt like he wasn't hearing me even though I was standing right in front of him. 

"You can't do this right now, Ruby," His lips quivered. "I know, I know. It sucks. I don't want to do this either, but we can make it."

"Kurt," My heart broke. My body felt...black. Empty. There was no other way to describe the way that I was feeling. 

I looked up at Kurt and knew that I needed to stop. I was hurting him, too. He didn't want to leave me, either. 

I was just making him feel like shit and I needed to stop. I needed to get my act together. 

I stopped crying and wiped my tears and stood up straight. 

"Alright," I cleared my throat. "You're going to be late. You have to get going, don't you?"

He nodded his head. "I do."

"Alright," I kissed him for a very long time. I wanted it to count. "Goodbye, Kurt."

"I love you, Ruby," He picked up his suitcases and some of his bodyguards helped him. They just appeared out of nowhere-I hadn't even noticed them before then. 

"I love you. So much."

But he was too far to hear it. 

The doors opened and he walked inside of them. And as they shut behind him, I felt this urge to run to him. To tackle him to the ground and tell him how much I loved me. He would stand up and kiss me and say, "Fuck it!" He would throw his suitcases onto the ground and get back into the car with me. He would drive into a random parking lot and make love to me, showing me how much he loved me and appreciated me. 

I was snapped back to reality when I heard a bunch of clamoring from behind me. I spun around and saw a bunch of people running towards me wearing Nirvana shirts. I ran into my car and drove off as quickly as I could. 

How the fuck did they know that he was leaving to go on tour?

On my way driving home, I had to pull to the side since my tears were clogging up my vision. 

I put the car in parked and just screamed and hit the steering wheel. I imagined it shattering into a bunch of pieces and that was when I stopped hitting it. 

I looked at the passenger seat and started crying harder. Kurt was sitting right there, holding my hand as I drove to drop him off. I would do anything to be with him in that moment, but I had to take care of our children. 

Someone had to. And it wasn't going to be anyone but me. 

I still needed to be a part of my childrens' lives. Just because Kurt couldn't, doesn't mean that I couldn't. 

The things Kurt made me feel, the things he made me do. That man had such a control over me and I didn't even realize it. We were meant to be. 

We were meant to be together.