It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 58

September 3, 1992

"SHE'S WHAT?!" Kurt screamed into the phone. "WHY?! FUCK, COURTNEY! FUCK!"

"Why is Daddy yelling?" Lorelai whispered. 

"I don't know," I grabbed her hand and moved her into the office. I didn't want her to hear Kurt's loud yelling-that's not really functional. 

Kurt was starting to get angrier faster. I grabbed a piece of paper and some crayons and handed them to Lorelai. 

"Color me something," I told her. 

Her eyes lit up and she smiled. I walked back over to Kurt and I rubbed his back to attempt to calm him down. He was still on the phone, but I couldn't hear anyone talking. 

"Fuck!" He slammed the phone back into its holder, gipped his head tightly in his hands and started crying. 

I rubbed his back and told him that it would be okay, but he just pushed me off. 

"Leave me alone," He muttered. 

I was appalled and I acted out of anger. I told Lorelai to put her shoes on and get in the car. 

"But, Mommy, my drawing!" She whined. 

"Fine, bring it too," I spat. 

I put my sandals on and grabbed the car keys. 

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"All I know was that he was talking to Courtney," I explained.

"Jes-HEY, be careful!" Dave shouted at Lorelai who was dancing around in the kitchen and about to hit her head on a corner. 

"That kid is going to be the death of me," I chuckled softly to myself. "I felt bad. I snapped at her before we left. She doesn't deserve that."

"You don't deserve what Kurt did to you."

"He just wanted some space, I get that. He just could've said it nicer."

The phone started ringing, so Dave walked over and answered it. 

"Hello? Yeah, yeah, they're here. Alright. Bye."

"Was that Kurt?" I asked. 

"Yeah. He's coming over."

"Of course he is."

"Hey, be lucky you have someone that cares enough to check up on you."

"You're right."

"So, your baby's name is what again?"

"Melissa Genevie Cobain."

"I can't wait to have kids."

"You'll be a great dad. But it's so fucking scary. Once she's born, Kurt and I are going to be so stressed out."

"Why?"

"That's going to be three kids in one house-two babies. Melissa and Frances are going to be babies. Babies, Dave. Frances isn't even a month old. And then on top of that, Lorelai is going to be in kindergarten. I have to be driving her to and from school all while being pregnant, then having a baby."

"If you need, I could help you guys with her."

"Dave, that's alright. I appreciate the offer, but we need to do things on our own, too. We're their parents."

"I understand, but it's okay to need help sometimes. Ruby, you never get help. You always want to do things on your own. You don't need to do that."

"I know I don't need to."

The doorbell rang, so Dave answered it and Kurt stood there wearing a baggy long sleeve T-shirt and ripped jeans-he had changed his outfit. He probably took a shower. 

"Lorelai, hey!" He saw Lorelai and picked her up. 

"Why were you yelling?" She asked him. 

"Because I was mad and Daddy is very sorry for yelling."

"I forgive you, Daddy."

The front door shut and I continued to look in front of me and not at Kurt. It took everything in me to fight the urge to look at Kurt, but I managed to get myself under control. 

"Ruby," Kurt spoke my name, but I ignored him. 

"Mommy," Lorelai tugged at my shirt. "Daddy said your name."

"I know, sweetie," I looked at Kurt and he had a guilty expression spread all across his face. He knew that what he did was wrong. 

"Ruby," He whimpered. "I'm-"

"Sorry. You're sorry, right?! You're always sorry, Kurt. Whenever you do something wrong, you say sorry and then you go and you do another thing. I tried helping you-because that's what I'm supposed to do-and you tell me to leave you alone?! What the fuck?!"

"Frances got taken away from Courtney!"

My heart dropped. 

Frances got taken from Courtney. 

She wasn't with Courtney. 

Where was she?

Did she get kidnapped?

"Did she get kidnapped?!" I yelled. 

"No, she was using heroin while pregnant with her."

"Are you fucking serious? She's a fucking cunt."

"Ruby!"

"I am so sorry, I am sorry," I suddenly remembered that Lorelai was in the room. "Let's go in the kitchen and talk about this."

Dave and Kurt sat at the kitchen table while I turned on the T.V. for Lorelai. Before sitting down at the table, I kissed and hugged Kurt and told him I was sorry. 

"Courtney called me this morning and told me that they took Frances away," He said. "I fucking lost it. I'm sorry. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks-at least that's what it feels like-and I already lost her."

"Hey, you're going to get her back, don't worry."

"What if they give her to someone else?"

"They won't, Kurt," I held his hand underneath the table so that Dave wouldn't see. "Who took her?"

"The fucking child welfare officers."

"Kurt, you'll be able to get her back, don't worry."

"I'll have to get drug tested more than likely to see if I'm able to keep her and have Courtney not see her for a little while."

"Would they even allow that?" Dave asked. 

I glared at Dave, then looked back at Kurt with a soft expression on my face. "Yes, they would allow that. They're not together. I don't think that they would be doing heroin together."

I let go of Kurt's hands. Maybe they were and that's why they took Frances instead of just giving her to Kurt. Kurt's relationship with drugs was not a healthy one and it was as if he needed them in his life-his stomach issues. It did make sense. He wasn't talking about his stomach pains recently. 

"Ruby, I didn't do any of that shit with her," Kurt assured me. 

"How do I know you didn't?" I was seriously considering that he did them with her. 

"You don't but you have to trust me, Ruby. You have to trust me-this is what our relationship is based on. I didn't cheat on you, Ruby."

I didn't want to start an argument, so I told him that I believed him. I sort of did, but I didn't trust him fully. 

"They'll probably drug test me and then give her to me and she just won't see Courtney and they'll figure that out," Kurt planned out. 

Dave and Kurt continued to talk about the situation, but I zoned out. What if he was doing drugs with Courtney? 

If I didn't trust him fully, should we even be together?