It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 133

March 14, 1994

I thought things were going better. I really was. But, a couple days after we came back, Kurt just stopped smiling. He wasn't happy anymore. Not even when he played the guitar. I knew that he was just putting on an act for us, but that made it even worse somehow. 

I decided to call Thom. We hadn't talked since the incident, and I felt like he would know how to cheer Kurt up. Dave didn't really know, Pat didn't know him well enough, but Krist would know how. Krist just didn't care to try anymore. He gave up on Kurt. 

"Hey, Thom," I said as he answered. 

"Ruby, how are you doing? I heard about what happened with Kurt."

"Oh. He's fine now. Well, sort of. Would you like to come over?"

"Why? Won't that just make Kurt angry?"

"I just need you to come over, Thom. Can you please just do that for me?"

"He'll beat me up! He-"

"No! No! I've tried everything!" I started to cry. "I've made him food and he won't eat it. I make him a bath and he doesn't enjoy it. I have him play guitar and he doesn't enjoy it. I have him play with the kids and he doesn't enjoy it. I kiss him and he doesn't enjoy it. I touch him and he doesn't enjoy it. Nothing works anymore, Thom. His best friend has given up on him, but I'm not fucking giving up. I can't! I can't."

I felt so exhausted, and I didn't even realize it until that moment. I didn't realize that that was how I felt. I must've shoved my emotions down and not dealt with them.

"I'll come over," Thom hung up the phone after he said that. 

I went into the bathroom and checked my face to make sure that it didn't look like I was crying. 

It didn't. 

I walked downstairs and saw Kurt messing around with Lorelai and Melissa. They were both on top of him as they tickled him. 

"No!" He shouted. "No!"

"Daddy, stop moving!" Lorelai giggled. 

My smile returned back to my face. If he was putting on a smile for the kids, I was glad he was. He needed to for them. Maybe not for them, but for me. 

"Oh no!" Kurt pointed at me. "Mommy's coming to get us! We have to hide!"

He stood up, carried Melissa, and held Lorelai's hand. He ran away, so I ran downstairs and chased them. I found them hiding in the pantry. 

"Ahh!" Kurt screamed. "Take Lorelai!"

"Daddy!" Lorelai screamed. 

Melissa started to cry, overwhelmed from all of the screaming. 

"Come here," I took her from Kurt's grasp and rocked her back and forth. "Did that scare you?"

"No it didn't," Kurt said in a high-pitched voice, imitating her. 

We all sat down on the couch together and watched the television. 

A couple minutes later, the doorbell rung. 

I knew it was Thom, so I put Melissa on the ground and opened up the door to find Thom standing there. 

"Kurt, look who it is!" I stepped to the side so he could see Thom. 

Kurt stood up and made his way over to us. "Hi, Thom. I've heard you've been sleeping with my wife."

"Knock it off," I shoved Kurt. "He's just joking."

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out and do something," Thom suggested to Kurt. 

"Sure," Kurt got his coat and shoes on, then kissed me. "Bye, girls!"

They both left. 

I shut the door behind them. 

Thom must've misunderstood me. I was meaning that he would hang out at the house. But maybe it was good that Kurt got out of the house with a guy and did something. 

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It was already twelve in the morning and they still weren't home. 

I was worried, so Dave came over. 

"Ruby, he's probably fine," Dave assured me. 

I heard the front door open, so I rushed to it and saw Thom and Kurt emerge inside. 

"Where the fuck were you?" I asked, but saw that Kurt was smiling from ear to ear. 

"Sorry, I kept him out a little late," Thom patted him on the back. "I'll see you around, man."

"Yeah, you too," Kurt waved him off. "Sorry, I didn't plan on staying out that late."

I shut the door behind him and locked it. 

"I'm tired, though, so I'm going to go to sleep," he kissed me goodnight. "Oh, hi Dave."

"What's wrong?" Dave asked after Kurt went upstairs. 

"I don't remember the last time he was that happy around me," I started to cry. 

"Ruby, that's not true."

"I've never seen him smile that wide before, I don't think. And even if he did, it hasn't been in years. He's just not happy around me anymore and I don't know why. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you, Ruby. I promise."

"Well, it fucking feels like it."