It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 43

March 20, 1992

I realized that I had lied to my mother. I wasn't three months pregnant. I was only eight weeks pregnant. Jesus Christ. It was funny how I would randomly remember moments about when I was wrong. 

"What exactly are we getting?" Kurt asked as we drove to the store.

"A toy!" Lorelai suggested. 

"No, no toy," I told her. "We're just looking at baby stuff."

"Seriously?"

"Kurt, I'm excited."

"I understand, but-"

"You can stay in the car, you don't have to go in."

"It's my baby, too."

I just wanted to look. I probably wasn't even going to buy anything. But I loved babies and children. I loved everything about them-well, not everything. There were definitely things I did not like. Lorelai spat up a ton when she was younger-it grossed me out so much. Robert would laugh his ass of while looking at me, drenched in her spit up. Most of the time, it was clumpy, too. 

"We're here," Kurt said. He didn't even look the least-bit happy. I didn't blame him. As soon as he was going to step foot in there, everyone was going to attack him. 

He unbuckled Lorelai and held her hand as I held his other hand. 

"Can I wear your glasses?" Lorelai asked. 

Kurt handed her his sunglasses and she put them on, making both Kurt and I chuckle. That made me happy. It felt like we were both parents together in that moment. 

We walked into the store and-I guessed it-everyone was up in all of our faces. I had forgotten that Lorelai had never been in this situation before. Kurt and I tried keeping her away from it, but we also wanted to get her something from the store. She started crying and she gripped tightly onto my legs. 

"EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "GET THE FUCK AWAY!"

I picked her up and pushed everyone out of the way with Kurt's help. Some employees walked over to get everyone away, too. I set Lorelai down and asked her if she was okay. She nodded her head and I hugged her, making sure that he was okay. 

"Fucking morons," Kurt said loud enough for all of them to hear. 

I grabbed his hand and we walked away. I was surprised that none of them were coming after us, but after me yelling at them-screaming, I should say-they probably stayed away. 

"Why did you scream?" Kurt asked. 

"Lorelai. She was getting nervous."

He stopped and kissed me.

"Ewww, yucky!" Lorelai said. 

I smiled at her as we entered the baby section. 

"Look at all these onesies!" I squealed and looked at all of them. 

I wasn't even paying attention to the sign. I was so in love with the thought of Kurt and I having a child that looked like a mix of both of us and me being able to change their diaper and dress them up in cute outfits after. 

"Mommy, I have to go potty," Lorelai held her crotch. 

"Where's the bathroom at?" I looked around for one. "Oh, it's in the back. Come on."

I grabbed her hand and we zoomed off into the bathroom. I went in the handicapped stall with her and turned away from her, giving her privacy to go to the bathroom. I helped her wash her hands, then we walked back out and I saw some girl flirting with Kurt. 

I felt blood boiling through my body and my hands grew into fists. I had to think of something to make her jealous and I had to think quick. I ran into the bathroom, got water on my hands, then rubbed my hands all over his face. 

"Sucks when you pee on your hands," I stuck my tongue out at him. 

"THE FUCK?!" He shouted. 

"It's just water!" I chuckled. 

"You little-" He grabbed my face and kissed me. 

By now, the lady had stormed off. This was for our own pleasure. 

"Mommy, Daddy, come on!" Lorelai whined. 

We walked to the toy section and that was when I tripped and fell on the ground. I heard Kurt chuckle behind me and I gritted my teeth together and pushed him. 

"What the fuck is your problem?" I asked him. 

"Come on Ruby. It's just a joke."

"No it's fucking not. I could've gotten hurt!"

"You're fine now, aren't you?"

"Kurt, are you serious?"

"I'm sorry, it was just a joke."

"Kurt!"

"I mean, it's not like I punched you or anything."

"I'M FUCKING PREGNANT! WHY WOULD YOU TRIP ME?!" I grew furious. Why wasn't he understanding that that was why I was frustrated. I got embarrassed and upset. I didn't like yelling. "I'm sorry for yelling, I just-"

"You may not talk to me like that, Ruby Stockins."

"Oooh, you're using my last name. I didn't even know that you knew it."

"Well, it definitely wouldn't have been Robert's."

I gasped. "At least my parents loved me!"

"At least my ex-girlfriend loved me enough to not kill herself!"

I smacked him across the face and grabbed Lorelai, sobbing. It was crazy how no one intervened or anything, but there were probably people staring. 

I found her picking out a Barbie doll, but I took it from her hands and threw it back on the rack. I grabbed her hand-making sure my grip wasn't too hard-and I pulled her away. 

"Mommy, I didn't pick out my toy yet!" She whined. 

"We're leaving, Lorelai."

"Mommy."

I rushed past Kurt and I could hear him apologizing repeatedly. At one point, he stepped in front of me. 

"Kurt, get out of my fucking way," I told him. 

"Ruby-"

"ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?! I SAID GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

"Sir, what seems to be the problem?" An employee came up to us. 

Right as Kurt was starting to explain what the problem was,  I picked up Lorelai and I rushed out the door and away from him. 

I had a way home-he didn't. 

I had the car keys-he didn't.