It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 16

November 7, 1991

"Mommy, what's this?" Lorelai handed me the letter. 

"Oh, I forgot to read it."

I walked into the kitchen and opened it up. 

Dear Ruby,                                                                                                              November 6, 1991

You are the best girlfriend that anyone could ever ask for. I do not deserve you-seriously, I do not. After all the shit that I've done to you, you have still stayed by my side and I thank you for that. I'm not doing drugs anymore thanks to you. You were the one that helped me get better. My whole life I've wanted someone to spend the rest of my life with and that's you. I see the way you look at your daughter and I want us to have kids and you look at them the same way. This may be too soon, but I don't give a fuck because you deserve to know how I feel about you. I will see you soon. 

                                                                                                                                                  Love,

                                                                                                                                                         Kurt

I held it softly to my chest and smiled. I missed Kurt so much. I wanted him here with me-holding me, kissing me, playing the guitar for me, singing for me, everything. I wanted him. I needed him. 

But, I had other things to do and I had to worry about those. 

I walked over to the phone and watched my hands shake. I thought about what Wendy said I knew that I had to talk to them. What if something happened to them tomorrow? I needed to speak to my parents. 

So, I dialed their number, held the phone to my ear, and wrapped my finger in the chord. 

"Hello?" My father's voice said. 

"D-Dad?" I stuttered. 

"Ruby?"

"Hi, Dad."

"What do you want?"

"I just wanted to say hi."

"Well, you did."

I sighed. "Well, I miss you guys."

"I'm sure you do."

I couldn't handle the shit that they've been giving me for four years. I exploded. 

"Fuck you!" I shouted. "I'm sick and tired of how you and Mom have been treating me for the past four fucking years. I got pregnant-get over it. She's so beautiful and she's so smart and she's the best daughter anyone could ever. I know that I'm not the most ideal kid and it sucks since I'm your only child, but Jesus Fucking Christ, give me a break!"

"Excuse me."

The line went dead.

Great.

I slammed the phone back and slid against the wall, folded my arms across my knees, brought them into my chest, and sobbed. 

I had no one to help me. 

Then, I felt a hand on my back. 

"Mommy," Lorelai softly said. "Why are you always crying?"

"What?" I wiped my eyes and looked at her. 

"You're always sad," She tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. "You're not supposed to be sad, you're supposed to be Mommy."

I chuckled and set her down on my lap. "Sometimes people need to cry."

"You cried yesterday."

"Mommy's just really upset right now."

"Do you miss Daddy?"

I started crying harder. "I miss Daddy so much."

She hugged me and I sobbed. 

So many emotions were flowing through me. 

I didn't know at this point if I was missing Kurt or Robert. 

Kurt was so great and I loved him so much, but I could never forget about Robert. 

Robert was who made me who I was. Without him, Lorelai would've never been born. We made a stupid mistake with a beautiful outcome. Robert loved Lorelai-I took videos of them together. He always made her smile and he always spoiled her with his love. He was a great dad and a wonderful boyfriend. 

I wished he didn't leave. I would rather us break up than him be dead because I would be left with me thinking that I could have helped him. I could have prevented it. Sometimes I wondered that maybe if I did things differently, he would still be living and maybe he would've been happier. 

He could've found another girl and they could've parented Lorelai and she could've gone back and forth. At least she would still have a dad. Now she has no dad and it's all his fucking fault. 

I missed his smile, his greasy, curly, short hair. I missed the way he told me he loved me. I missed the way he kissed me and told me that everything would be alright. He never yelled at me-not once. He never hit me, bit me, spit at me, nothing. He was the most affectionate human being ever and such a wonderful boyfriend. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. 

And then he killed himself-leaving his girlfriend and wife. 

He left his girls.