It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 156

May 18, 1996

"It went well," I told Ethan over the phone. "She wasn't upset, but then she came into my room crying last night, so I helped her."

"Really? I thought she would've been upset or something."

"She doesn't even really remember them. She's obviously upset though that she'll never get to meet her father, so, I feel really bad for her on that."

"Did Dave really do anything?"

I chuckled. "No, he didn't. It was actually kind of pointless for him to be there, but he was there. Lorelai only showed, like, her sadness when after she said that she felt sorry for me."

"I do, too."

"I don't you think you understand how relieved I am that she doesn't hate me or anything."

"I don't understand why she would hate you."

"Now that I think about it, I don't either."

"What are you going to do today?"

"She has a therapy appointment that Melissa and I will take her to and then afterwards, I'll take her out to lunch, and we're just going to talk. She told me she just wants to talk about them."

"That sounds good."

"We should all do something tomorrow, though. You, me, and Lorelai."

"Oh yeah? What would you want to do?"

"We could go to dinner and laser tag."

"Sounds like a plan."

I smiled. "I'm going to go check on Lorelai and make sure she's ready to go."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodbye, Ethan."

"Goodbye, Ruby."

As I set the phone down, I thought for a long time about how I loved how he said my name. I loved that he actually wanted to talk to me. 

What I didn't love was how we weren't really...connecting. It's not that I didn't feel anything for him, because I did. I really did and I knew that he felt something for me, too. The only problem was that I didn't really feel a spark and I was scared that he felt the same way and would break up with me. 

I thought about maybe if I was preventing myself from letting myself have that connection with him out of fear. Fear that he would abandon me, like everyone else had. Fear that if I allowed myself to have that connection with him, he would use it to his advantage. 

"Mom, I'm ready," Lorelai said. 

"Alright," I smiled. "Let's all get our shoes on."

I put mine and Melissa's shoes on. Then we went into the garage, got into the car, and I drove to the therapist's office. 

I could tell that Lorelai wasn't fond of the fact that she had to speak to a therapist about this. She had told me multiple times that if she ever spoke to a therapist, she would feel like she was crazy or not mentally stable. 

"Lorelai, you're not insane," I reminded her. 

"I never said I was."

"Well, you don't look too happy about going to talk to this therapist."

"I mean, I'm not too happy in general. I'm really, really sad. But, I've gotta admit, I do feel a little crazy."

"People talk to therapists when they're overwhelmed, too. You don't have any mental disorders; you have nothing to worry about."