It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 140

April 2, 1994

I didn't get back home until late at night. But as soon as I did, I rushed to my house and searched everywhere. I checked the bathrooms, the pantry, the cupboards, the washer and dryer, under the beds, the comforters, the blankets, every crevice, showers, toilets, dressers, everywhere. 

And he wasn't fucking there. 

I panicked. I really thought that he was going to be home when I get home. But he wasn't here. Where was he?

Just then, I heard the garage door open. I ran to the garage, but it was just Dave and Krist. 

Dave ran to me and hugged me. 

"I am so happy to see you," He told me. 

"Me too," I smiled and hugged him, then Krist. "Where's everyone else?"

"Pat and Jennifer and Shelli are on their way," Krist explained. 

"I checked everywhere and he's still not here," I said sadly. "I really thought he was going to be here."

"I know, I know. Come on, let's go upstairs. You smell horrendous."

"It's just your upper lip."

"You guys really know how to third wheel," Krist shouted as we walked upstairs. 

"Cry about it," I flipped him off jokingly. 

"Ruby, go take a shower," Dave told me. "I'm going to call Wendy and see if she's found anything out yet."

"Okay, Dave," I nodded my head. "Thank you."

I went into the bathroom and got undressed, then hopped into the shower. I thought about Kurt and all the times we had showered together in this shower. I wondered if he had come home during the period of time that he went missing and showered here. Or if he came here at all just for a place to sleep and went somewhere else during the day. 

Where were you, Kurt?

Maybe he was with Courtney. 

No, I shook that possibility out of my head. 

I needed to not think like that. Because feeding that thought would just make me go down a tunnel that I didn't want to go down. It would make me not want to find him. 

I turned the water off after showering and wrapped a towel around with me. I found Dave looking through our book of pictures that Kurt and I had of our family. 

"You guys used to be so happy," Dave looked up at me. "What happened?"

"Drugs," I responded and went into my closet to put some new clothes on. "I fully believe that drugs were the number one cause of Kurt's downfall. I mean, besides his stardom and whatever, what else could possibly be the cause of all of this? Drugs really fucked him up."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

"Promise me that you won't go down the same path as he did," I made eye contact with him as I stepped out of the closet. "Please."

"I promise, Ruby. Now you have to promise."

"I promise, Dave."

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Shelli, Jennifer, and Pat didn't arrive until a lot later. Everyone had fallen asleep by midnight, but I couldn't fall asleep. Not when there was the possibility of Kurt walking around late at night. He would be right outside the front door right now, but I would never know.